there is this place...

there is this place
where i always tend to go to
both in times of brokenness
and that of refreshing

when times are hard and low
and also those filled with graces
when things are clear and well
also when times are tough

there is this place
where i always tend to go to
when times are uncertain
as well as those moments of joy

when things are unwell
too many intersections
when crossing is always hard
when decisions need to be done

this place is given
this place i go to
this place directs me to Him
this place i call HOME.

there is this place
i call HOME
this place when i am on my knees
in utter dependence on Him alone

this place of goodness
where gratefulness abounds
where He is always there
never quiet, never far...

a passionate letter

Dear Boss,

Greetings. Thank you for sharing some important details about the csd. They will surely be very helpful for us. Thank you so much.

I will be leaving in a few hours for bcd. As a response to your request, I am writing my intention of going there, which is, to see for myself the potential of the place for the needed change in the way we do things or camp for that matter. I do not believe that this gift that the new campsite has been and is becoming to us, is but an accident. I believe that as we had been praying for change and potential growth for each year's camp, the One is responding in ways beyond ourselves and those that we have asked for. I just do not want to miss seeing for myself what this campsite will be for us as a movement, as a team of staffworkers for the coming KC, and as an ordinary follower of Isah. There are and will be crucial decisions that we will be doing the coming days and we do not want to miss anything that the One can do in and through us with this new gift to us. It is different to see this gift with eyes that look beyond what is seen and felt. It is different to see this gift with eyes that look both at the risk and the potentials of growth and change! It is different to see this gift with eyes that look forward to faith and grace-filled encounter with the One.

That we do not want to miss! For that, I will come, I will see, I will hear, I will feel, I will taste, I will smell, what the One has prepared for us! and for that, i risked and will continue to risk for the sake of the One who called me. After all, He never failed us and He will never fail us, no matter what! even if we fail so many times... and despite all our weaknesses.

Sincerely,
~ Shajarah

(this came about after a stressful encounter and argument with my boss whom i thought to be on my side, whom i expected to be my 'defender' and one of my strong support this time of dire need for upliftment and strength. after all, magdi-direct lang naman ako ng isang national leadership training ng mga filipinong estudyante sa loob ng isang buwan sa susunod sa summer, sa isang malayong bundok ng visayas. whew! when the unexpected comes, expect nothing but the coming out of what's best in you and for others. servanthood test drive ba ito? running to the ultimate source and the bottomline of everything, when all else failed! hehehe... what an experience! what an encounter! what a change! i love changes pa naman!)

haggai reflections

general information...

he is a nabi (messenger)
his name means, 'my feast'
his oracles are the most precisely dated ones in the entire Book
his book is the second smallest in the Old Book (Obadiah being the smallest), and consists of but thirty-eighth verses only


some personal thoughts about his oracles...

his oracles came clearly from the One who spoke and all of them were fulfilled. there was a clear authority and integrity of his Source, that Source of all he has spoken of. "I am the One who has spoken..."

finding myself always in the lack of the essentials... or of everything... 'as you have been gathering your harvest and keeping them in bags full of holes...' am i gathering my stuff in pockets with holes? where is my motive of doing things coming from? where is it going to? what is the full measure and reasons of all these? why am i doing what i'm doing?

am i being defiled by my own self-centeredness and own reasons and measurements of life and living? am i being misled by my own reflections?

why are things not enough? my clothes do not keep me warm, my wages are slipping over the holes of my bags, my food and water are not enough... 'all your hard work will be for nothing!'

what is the Temple that i missed and still missing? that once glorious Temple? what's the main point? the bulls eye? am i terribly missing the mark or simply hitting the wrong mark, the outside mark?

return to the King... so that, 'from now on, things will get better... Today you have completed the foundation for my Temple, so listen to what your future will be like. although you have not yet harvested any grain, grapes, figs, pomegranates, or olives, i will richly bless you in the days ahead.'

'but tell my servant Zerubbabel of J that i am going to shake the heavens and the earth and wipe out kings and their kingdoms. i will overturn war chariots, and then cavalry troops will start slaughtering each other. but tell my servant Zerubbabel that I, the LORD All-Powerful, have chosen him, and he will rule in my name.' what a final declaration of the One chosen!


book study for december

worldviews

I HOPE GOD THINKS LIKE THAT

There is a dog I sometimes take for a walk
and turn loose in a field,

when I can't give her that freedom
I feel in debt.

I hope God thinks like that and

is keeping track of all
the bliss He
owes
me.

(worldview 1: from alfathi, a classmate in islamic studies)

so this is a worldview, their worldview... which continue to break my heart. i am deeply crushed each time i would read this. and i remember one class discussion we had wherein i finally decided to speak my heart out. after listening to a series of my classmates and professor's thoughts on God's unfairness, i finally broke my silence. i simply lost my resolve to remain a silent observer as an obvious outsider. and guess what, after breaking my silence with that burning thought in my heart, i never expected that everyone will fall silent... such deafening silence!!! esp that of our professor's. normally, whenever i speak, i try to see their context and reply with an affirmation of the Book in their context, as they have too many worldviews that are really Book-supporting and related. as obviously, their own books are believed to be derived from the Book. but, not this time... how can God owe us? how can He owe us a lot? the Book says, God owes no one anything... not even to that one man who went through so much pain and suffering. this man cannot in any way find God in debt of him. and his name is Job. all he can say is, 'blessed be His name!'

i pray that His creation will continue to see, feel, hear, taste, smell, and experience His great love and mercy... His abounding patience and grace, His unfailing kindness and goodness, His unending faithfulness.



GOOD THING, MY GOD THINKS THIS WAY

'All people have disobeyed God,
and that's why He treats them as prisoners.

But He does this,
so that He can have mercy on all of them.

Who can measure the wealth and wisdom
and knowledge of God?

Who can understand His decisions
or explain what He does?

Has anyone known
the thoughts of the Lord
or given Him advice?

Has anyone loaned something
to the Lord that must be repaid?

Everything comes from the Lord.

All things were made because of Him
and will return to Him.

Praise the Lord forever!

Amen.'

inspiring thoughts for today

"We are not saved for nothing, for it is the fullness of God's grace in our lives that would stir up divine discontent in others."
(a nice quote i saw at the gencross egroup...)

"There are three stages in every great work of God. First it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done."
(by James Hudson Taylor)

"... a deep longing to be heard, like someone close to dying, a lonely heart's painful sighing." ;-)
(from the famed KD)

"That day, when you sent me out so boldly to change the world, don't you think there wouldn't be any cost?"
(by Martin Luther, 1521 in Worms Germany)

"Watch out, wait, and be utterly amazed!"
(Habakkuk)

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world."
(Mahatma Gandhi)

"The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention."
(anonymous, from a big frame in bcd)

pleasant surprises

it is only here
here and now
that i am lavished
with so much

so much love
too many blessings
prayers unuttered
all were answered

lolo dave gave
some real dimes
for my new cellphone
a great polyphonic

a simple replacement
of one that was taken
a neighbor coveted
for mine only three-week old

which was also another gift
a seventy five bucks
christmas gift of sofia
and her group in CA

another pleasant surprise
a USB flash drive
another prayer answered
prayer that was never uttered

she thought of giving me on
as an early christmas gift
she thought just at the right time
when my heart was secretly asking our Dad

what a perfect timing
His timing, as usual
always perfect
never a coincidence

finally, there is this
one heart wish
a real one for a poor girl
one i can never afford at this time

not so much a need though
but just a request for a treat
a treat in one great love of my life
a company filled with music and life

yet, He lavished it to me
in moment i never expected
one that is a real treat
in the middle of a crisis

a crisis that speaks of incapacity
a state of vulnerability
one that leads to ultimate surrender
no other way but utter dependence

KD and his dear wife
gave this real treat
another christmas gift at the offing
an mp3 player, what a treat!

a deep sense of lavish love surging
from His heart to His people's
so much love, so much favor
unworthy, undeserving, i am humbled

but never in my ways
never without so much agony
so much curving of my will and heart
so as to capture His and no other

long days, weeks and months
even years in the offing
so long time of waiting
long and agonizing nights

enduring hope
surrendered will
captured heart
none other than His

to be His forever...

the inevitables...

too many goodbyes
too many letting go
too many pains
too many scars

relinguishing again and again
loosing all forms of control
why would this motiff need to be
so constant and true in my life

are they really inevitables
as precious as gasping for breath
every millisecond of unending
timeline and life span

my unfinished story...

wishing for a future

band
team
and
performance

the family

what do you do?

what do you do when you terribly do miss someone or something? ;-)
what do you do when all forms of justification ceases to make sense?
what do you do when everything fails to satisfy such deep longing...
such deep longing and yearning which are larger than life, beyond yourself?

i often hear a dear old friend and good ate
who openly expresses her lingering sense of unhappiness
her yearning for that something bigger than herself
her longing for something she can never understand

where would these things come from?
why would He allow this constant visitation?
who would dare confront its reality?
how would one care to hope and cope?

hard questions
costly errors
harsh realities
deep scars

if only these would remain a clear reminder
if only these would keep yelling my humanity
if only these would lead me to a deep acceptance
if only these would tell me who i really am

then, so be it
let it be that
my only life
be an offering

an offering in the making
a sacrifice in the offing
have Your way in me
be in unto me...

according to Your word
according to Your standard
according to Your holiness
according to Your justice
according to Your love

i am secure
i am alright
as it is well
with my sould
indeed!

yearning, as a constant reminder
of ultimate surrender
of utter dependence
there is no other way

longing, in deep remembrance
of the many weaknesses
of the countless failures
this is simply humanity

acceptance
my humanity
all those mistakes
all those scars

deep in my heart
cut along my face
hidden in my soul
lingering, deeply etched

forever

hush
my soul
hush
my heart

pour out
peace
relinguish
love

all graces
all wisdom
all joys
all hope

be still
listen
in His presence
linger

wait...
keep watch
be silent
He is near

to others
portions are given
well-cut
paths well-trodden

yet, for some
cups are full
with sorrow
gifts withheld

to others are given
to some are taken away
only so that in all its beauty
all bests are known

for your sake
for my sake
for His name's sake
for His own glory

how about this one?

for a first violin
for the first lessons
in music
in life

what a privilege
what an honor
such a great gift
luxurious, costly!

introducing... my new legolas!

Huwag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin

Ni Kitchie Nadal

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba’t di mapakali, ni hindi makatingin
Sana’y ‘wag mo na itong palipasin
At subukang lutasin
Sana’y sinabi mo na

Refrain:
Iba’ng nararapat sa akin
Na tunay kong mamahalin

Chorus:
Oh, huwag na wag mong sasabihin
Na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

Ano man ang iyong akala
Na ako’y isang bituin na walang sasambahin
‘Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot-langit ang daing
Sana’y sinabi mo na

At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sayo
At sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sayo

favorite collection

Sacred Journey
(Written by Marry McCall, David Batteau & Darrell Brown; First Call Album )
This song is dedicated to Frederick Buechner as thanks for the encouragement he has brought to many of us as we stumble down the path

Wide awake at three a. m.
When I hear the whistle blow
Watchin’ all the cars go by
Where does everybody go

Every road, every stream
Every prayer, every dream
You are there my Lord
Heavens mystery
How you are here with me
On this sacred journey

Chorus
Open the gates to your heart
(on this sacred journey)
Let the light into the dark
(on this sacred journey)
He’ll meet you right where you are

Spillin’ thoughts across the page
Morning sun is sneakin’ in
Say a little prayer for me
As another day begins

Strength to strength, life goes on
Room to room, dark till dawn
You are there my Lord
Heavens mystery
How you are here with me
On this sacred journey



Evidence of Love
(Written by Lowell Alexander & Bonnie Keen)
”Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.” – Psalms 107.4)

It is written in the colors
Of a thousand autumn twilights
Painted in the eyes of a child
Spoken as forgiveness
By an honest open hand
It’s the friend who will walk the extra mile
It’s the giving when there is not enough
There is everywhere the evidence of love

Open your eyes and look upon
The handiwork of God
Open your soul and feel
The breath of glory all around
For everywhere there’s evidence of love

It’s living in the rich earth
Waving in the wind
It’s music that moves us to believe
And dying in a small town
Knowing where true love begins
It’s hope beyond what we can see

It’s the mercy when tears are not enough
There is everywhere the evidence of love

Chorus
Open your eyes and look upon
The handiwork of God
Open your soul and feel
The breath of glory all around
For everywhere there’s evidence of love

A simple crucifix hanging on the wall
Everywhere there’s evidence of love

more ravens... in the making ;-)

finally!
me sweldo na kami
kahit partial ng partial
iba pa rin
kasi meron talaga

maliban pa yan
sa malusog na pangangatawan
at di maubos-ubos
na 'fats' sa kung saan-saang
bahagi, o 'di ba?

at syempre pa
di pwedeng ipagkaila
ang katakot-takot
na sense of sufficiency
of every need

dahil sa mga taong
nagmamahal,
kumakalinga,
sumusuporta
sa maraming kaparaanan!

salamat sa Diyos
sa kanilang kabutihang-loob
at sa maraming bagay
na nagpapalakas
ng kalooban

many times nga
eh feeling ko
di ako nauubusan ng pera
dahil sa mga bigay dito
at bigay doon...

simulan kaya natin
kahit mahigpit ang biling
ito ay confidential
talaga naman
eh, di mapigilan ang puso

nagdiriwang,
nagpapasalamat,
kailangang kumilala at
tumanaw ng utang na loob?
o simpleng pagkilala

sa kabutihan ng Diyos
sa pamamagitan nila
kaya wag ipagsabi
please...
tayong dalawa lang dapat
ang nakakaalam

sikreto
malalim na lihim
mahigpit na ipinagbabawal
ikwento sa kahit na kanino
pakiusap lamang

siya, eto na sila...
ginoong lolo dave
isang maginoong mama
mula sa wales
ni princess diana

kapitbahay daw sila
ni catherine zeta jones
kaya naman matinding giver
very generous at maawain
salamat po ng marami

sa inyong buhay
sa inyong bahay
sa inyong pamilya
na walang sawang i-shi-nare
sa amin

at ngayon
pati cell phone at load ko
pati na sweldo namin for several weeks
ay inyong ipinagkaloob
pinag-ipunan at ni-raise for us

di limang isang daan
o kaya'y isang libo
kundi't maraming libo
libu-libong nakakagulat
nakakapalambot ng puso

nakakalaglag luha
nakakagulat ng todo
you should have seen
my eyes, my face
my great surprise
my heart in great tears

iba ang sorpresa ng Diyos
totoo at malalim
kakaibang talaga
beyond all our expectations
we can never fathom or understand

lagi tayong below His ways
below His expectations
kasi tao lamang po
at higit na naiintindihan
ng dakilang Maykapal

andyan din si ate libay
na nagbigay ng isang libong
pagmamahal at pagkain
para sa mga gutom na Anislagers
ngunit matatabang dalaga pa rin

salamat ng marami
isang dakilang nanay
kahit kayo ay malayo
kami ay sobrang malapit
sa inyong pusong dakila

andyan din sina ate pearl
at talaga naman pati si ate elsie
na nagbigay ng pera na naman
just enough para sa mga butas na bulsa
bulsa para sa mga pamasahe

pamasahe sa pang araw-araw
na pagbisita sa mga bata
paroo't parito
mga trabaho at pinagkakaabalahan
ng mga istafworker

unfinished... si nika, at millie, hannah, and many more...

ravens

been thinking a lot
about taking some time
to capture the sacredness
of this journey in crisis

why would it be necessary
why are there so many needs
why are there wants as well
why, oh, why, indeed

but one thing is clearer now
one thing keeps coming back
crisis brings in a perspective
that only it could bring

such a fresh perspective
on so many things in life
those things that truly matter
those things that are unseen

the young prince, then, is true
that what is essential is
indeed, invisible
invisible to the naked eyes

such invisible thing
as the thought of a deep gratitude
such a deep appreciation
for the timely ravens from heaven

those tiny and obscure ravens
just like that of the old
those that brought provisions
to a man once called elijah

those tiny and obscure ravens
which brought forth provisions
blessings upon blessings
to the many hungry souls

those tiny and obscure ravens
who, with their obedience
has brought in so clearly
the merciful heart of heaven

ravens from above
you just don't know how much
you have made heavens here on earth
in the hearts of those in dire need

needs that were precious
needs that made them vulnerable
needs that were so humbling
making them closer to the Maker

ravens upon ravens
oh, too many of them!
oh, how precious they are
oh, how grateful we are!

if only i could name them
if only He would call them by name
if only He would reward them
one by one, on our behalf!

amazing, oh how amazing
as the Maker released those ravens
just so in time, in His time
just so in time, for His time

(happy birthday rhoda! welkam to the world of the thirtyish, hehehe... thanks ate's libay, pearlie, ces, julie... kuya dave, and many more... like the manila leaders council, the many students... for being our dear ravens for this time! mabuhay kayo...)

baguio confession

it was another first
baguio city adventure
of another kind
another level

it was my very first
to gaze upon the famed
city of pines
and its beautiful people

unfinished...

re-freshing

(this is the exact image of my recent baguio experience together with the NCR staff team where i currently belong as a staffworker. i have experienced re-freshing in varied forms, colors, and shapes. i have been re-freshed physically, emotionally, vocationally, intellectually, spiritually, psychologically... and the list can go on... and on... salamat sa Diyos!)

light of the world

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes let me see

Beauty that made
This heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Chorus:
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that
You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh, so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came
To the earth You created
All for love's sake
Became poor

Bridge:
I never know how much it costs
To see my sin upon the Cross
(repeat)

(i first learned this from the young christian students of ifes central asia - kazakhstan last july 2003... thanks to shane and the kids. btw, this is a famous worship song now in our country - seems like everybody's favorite. hmmm... but i wonder who takes the credit here ;-) have to check the composer-lyricist-arranger and producer... anyone who knows?)

the power of TWO

the heart of the matter is the 'heart'

amidst wonderment
amidst confusions
amidst chaos and all
uncertainties

one thing remains
one thing matters
one thing will linger
one thing stays forever

wonderment

why, oh why?
so gartogcel asked
why leave? why resign?
how sure are you?

how sure am i?
that this is the time to go
that the signal has been finally set off
to move on and sail away

'i only want to rest'
that's my initial feeling
and for that answer
gartogcel is content

finally, he was content
and bid away saying
'good! good! very good!'
i wonder then, oh, well!

`coz deep within my heart's recesses
lies some deep uncovered feelings
that of saying my final goodbye
that the end has finally come

for me to be here in this place
that a new place is now being readied
as i tarried to obey
for the next instructions

somehow i also feel
that i needed not just recharging
but refocusing and re-hearing
a new identity, a new dream

a fresh vision, a fresh call
am i still needed here?
is this still my right place under the sun?
am i still obeying or just comfortably lurking?

it's not that i needed meaning
nor that i feel unneeded
it's just that i need clear reasons
why do i do what i do?

it's never enough that i go against the flow
for any sake
or that i go with the flow
for status quo

there simply must be a reason
reason enough to keep me going
reason afresh to recharge me
but never nothingness nor senselessness

can it be that i am tired
so as to loose that call
can it be that i am workaholic
so as to loose that ultimate focus

why do i do what i do?
is there a new cause, a fresh prodding
something that will revive
the sleepy and tired spirit in me

this spirit need to soar high and low again
i want to sing new songs
dream new dreams
weave stories upon stories

just where is the fire?
was it quenched
was it drained?
was it gone?

i cannot live this way
or else i simply will die
die out and die low
i want to live again

to live again to ideals
to empowerment
to life, to love
to Him, for Him

if even that is seemingly lost
what is there to live for
what is there to live out
what is there left for me?

disturbances

they are the unwelcome... unwanted... undesirable spicies of living.
at times, it is not just healthy to have them, but more so, really good and necessary.
to face them, to confront them head on, with an unwavering heart. indeed, why not?

my friends at global village seven years ago, used to urge me to be spontaneous and enjoy life's many surprises. neil would always tease me to get rid of my planning-freak lifestyle then. he would always just pop up around with the gang and drag me and the rest of the prim and proper planning office girls to either the highest of the heights or the lowest of the low. the former can either be in the names of the 'tops' or that famed 'mr. a's'... the latter can be any seaside that is open until the wee hours of the morning. sometimes, we tried just joy riding around the two island cities of the south connected by two great bridges. sometimes, it is fun just moping under one of those bridges at 12 midnight. and sometimes, we just content ourselves with bar hopings, from one hotel here to another there, and the many mushrooming latest craze in town. what i would like the most would be those times at the bo's or that one at 'pitcher plant' and that one somewhere near the capitol where anyone can just hang around to sing, drink, and be merry.

these were some disturbances to me as, well, i'm never a party animal. they simply aren't my turf. i am but a content home buddy. i grew up a minimalist. i grew up full with simple lifestyle. but never simplistic. i can't stand fast, complex, and complicated situations and lifestyle. i easily get tired and confused with many choices. so, the simpler and minimal the scenarios are, the better and happier!

one recent disturbance is when gartogcel (one of the bosses in our management team), in his normal demeanor and attitude of 'pakikialam', just pop up my small space (short for 'in front of a pc') in the office today and threw some innocent but disturbing questions. well, in this normal mood of mine, i told him that he really has a way of disturbing people, that it is his greatest gift, hehehe...

it was but one simple question. why am I leaving the movement?
from that comes many small connected frames of thoughts - how sure am i that this is it? that this is my time to go and resign? how sure am i that this is my call at this time? that i am not just running away from something or someone? that i am not just escaping from difficulties and challenges? that i am not just doing what i want to do, maybe, whimsically and vocationally?

indeed, why? how sure am i?

reflection 101: called to obey

So they are aware… in fact, they are hurting… they are crying!
Pleading to God for mercy, for forgiveness, for healing, for restoration… of justice and righteousness in the land. Among and for the Filipinos and their children’s children.

This was the scenario of the first praise and prayer morning of the six-day leadership-discipleship camp here in metro manila. More than 135 college students and young professionals from all over metro manila, cavite, laguna, Batangas, and Mindoro were kneeling down and crying out to God for mercy and healing for our land and people. For not more than 30 minutes, not one eye was dry, not one mouth was shut up, not one heart was crushed. Everyone was praying, body-soul-spirit, in utter brokenness before the throne of grace. Not one heart was unaffected. Not one person was uninvolved and unconcerned.

I was proven wrong. I so thought that the youth of this land simply do not care for they are either unaffected or busy doing their own thing. I thought that they are protected by their own concerns and created worldly cares. I thought that they are covered by their easy-go-lucky posture and loose pluralistic worldviews these days. But, I was proven wrong.

Our youth are affected. They are aware of what’s happening around them. And they are hurting. They are concern and they want change. They want to take part in the process and make a difference. They are, just like the rest of the world, tired of the status quo, the injustice they are suffering in all forms, colors, and shapes. They are crying and begging God for mercy, healing and restoration.

If there is one huge concern that they are crying for, it is the crisis of leadership. And I am filled with hope and joy seeing that they want to be movers of hope and change. And that is to start change within them. If our problem is a crisis in the good leadership and governance of the country when our leaders would loose face and integrity, our hope now lies in the hands of these young men and women, who are not afraid to allow change to begin from among and within themselves.

There is hope. We declare hope. For as long as we have the life of hopeful change from among the ideals of the youth, we will never fall. We will never loose faith. We will never be put to shame. We can declare that we shall see the sun rise again for the Filipino people, and their children’s children. We declare the day when justice and righteousness will shine like a noonday sun again in our land.

Gat. Jose Rizal is after all still calling… that the youth of this land will remain our hope. For they are aware, in fact, they are hurting and crying for change… which is within their hands. Change that is happening as it begins among and within themselves.

As they pray, the answer is coming… their hearts are changed… they become the answers to their own prayers! That is the power of prayer! Prayer changes hearts and people. After all, the heart of the matter, in fact, all these things that matter to us, is simply the ‘heart’ of the man! One changed heart towards God’s holiness, is one changed nation. One hopeful future for the land.

And that was only the first morning. So imagine the prayers still poured out during meal times, the sessions on rekindling the love for the country, the missions nights, and the rest of the other morning prayer times.

And that was only this years LCDC… How about the other five more I had witnessed the past six years of my staff life? And the other five more when I was still a student? This land has and will always have a future, as long as the youth of this land are aware, concern, and desire to be the hope and future of this land. As long as the change or transformation of the heart starts from among and within themselves. So long as God does the overhauling of the heart of the matter which is simply our hearts.

~Hadassah Leung

missing the 'moment' again

writing is a gift. i said so because i can never do without its birth pangs. everytime i would attempt to write, there seems to be something in me that is lost and gone forever. maybe, a certain sacredness. maybe, its conception. its being from within and through me...

on the other hand, i can never write on my own. this means that while i would attempt writing for writing's sake, i would never come up with anything. there is simply nothing to squeeze from within. instead, there is always that need to pull something out of my inside. something which i am never in control of. something which i attribute to my soul and spirit. something which is connected to a source. such a mysterious source. the great Source of all sources.

finally, there is a certain time for writing. there is a certain mood required. i wouldn't know why and how... but it seems that these moods are never my making. they come in the unholiest of the hours, the most unexpected of time and circumstances, in never imagined places. yet, they are critical time, places, and circumstances.

i learned in science that time is of two kinds. one is called the 'chronos' and the other is the 'kairos'. the former is linear, a one after the other, a chronological setting up of time. the latter is something that can be captured at a given unexpected and unpredicted moment. something that expresses a perfect moment of bursting and ripeness. something that is simply perfect for and on that moment. it is not dependent on those moments before or after though can be connected to them. it is what many calls the 'moment in time'... that moment.

my kairos (es) have been hard times. and i feel that i have been disobeying many times. the bursting, birthing or what others call as the 'moment in time' come at lazy times like during midnight when everyone's head is laid to rest or at dawn when i am in the middle of my 'good' sleep. so how can obedience come freely? how easy would it be to obey in these cases?

just early this morning, at around four in the morning, i woke up from a dream where a clear instruction was given to my mind. a clear instruction about something to write. two major points and paragraphs were laid into my brain's memory card. and this is not the first time it happened. two other separate early morning thoughts were also poured to me the past two years, in a dream, too. and in all of these, i would decline to rise up and capture them in writing as i would plead with God to just let me recall them later in the morning when i wake up. just when my eyes and mind are home from drifting in the nowhere. just when i would be sober.

but as usual, they never do come back. these thoughts never come again. what is left are but small hints of them but never even a peek to its entirety. and again, i would regret not obeying, not taking time to give birth to those thoughts, being unwilling to sacrifice for the sake of those messages... those little revelations which are never mine... not at all! as they come mainly for different people and communities. for others. they are words never intended for myself.

as usual, i feel bad again, today. because i did not obey, for the third time. just when am i gonna serve the gift?

may the great, merciful and compassionate Giver of all gifts have mercy to a poor soul like me! may the Giver be patient with me. will i ever have another chance?

for the third time, i plead that they would come back. but they never did. or is it not yet? for i am never a writer. simply, in the making... a lousy one in the making.

and i missed it again!

('KAIROS Refers to a period of crisis and opportunity, the best timeto do something, the moment when circumstances are most suitable, the psychologically "ripe" moment for action.' ~from ISACC)

panaginip na naman

totoo... sa pangalawang pagkakataon sa taong ito at nakaraan, ako'y nanaginip kaninang madaling araw ng tungkol sa rumaragasang tubig, isang baha na katakut-takot... isang malaki at mapagpinsalang baha. maraming tao ang tinangay, maitim at malalim ang tubig, at ako'y naroon sa kalagitnaan ng lahat ng ito. nasa kalagitnaan habang abala sa mga dapat kong gawin gaya ng paghahanda sa isang pagtuturo o training...

gaya nang naunang panaginip, nakita ko ding madaming tao ang binawian ng buhay, mga bahay na nasira at natabunan ng tubig at mga sasakyang inanod sa kung saan ang hantungan ng mahabang rumaragasang tubig.

ano kaya ito? sa buhay ko?

spaces

breather...
vacancy...
preparing to receive again
availability of heart and soul

like the cascading waterfalls
sometimes in droves
sometimes in smaller drops
but never ending, simply yielding

provisions
sometimes withheld
sometimes it pours
yet, never-ending assurance

spaces are beautiful
they take your heart to its deeper seat
they take your soul to a higher plunge
of trusting and living in faith

yielding
surrender
life
no other way

(isang pag-iisip na nalikha matapos panoorin ang isang false waterfalls sa lugar na pinagdausan ng aming panalangin at retreat sa quezon city. marahil ay kathang dala ng palaisipang 'bakit kami'y pinagkaitan ng biyaya sa ngayon?' o 'bakit hindi pinagkakaloob ang lahat ng kagustuhan ng tao?' marahil ay kathang dala ng kasagutan sa mga dalangin sa panahong yaon. marahil ay kathang bilin ng Ispirito ng Dios, matapos ang dalawang araw na pakikipagniig at pakikinig.)

dreams

i have heard of many dreamers before... many books wrote about them - like two josephs the dreamer and many more... movies are made for and about them like that one casted by brendan fraser and also one called the dreamweaver and many more...

i also heard of my paternal grandmother's dreams and those of my own mama and papa's dreams. many of them were fulfilled... they happened to people they know and do not know. they happened in different time and places.

i also have my moments of rich dreams. some are good and beautiful while some are not. some were already fulfilled and some remained clear memories in my mind and heart.

these few months ago have been rich dreaming time for me. and for the first time, i want to capture them. it may mean losing their sacredness, as they come out of the sacred recesses of my heart and mind, yet, i want to attempt capturing them with words and the power of articulation.

it's been a few weks already that i have been dreaming of couples - a couple whom i know so well and one who are popular movie stars - who are having hard time in their marital relationship. i have found myself listening intently to their troubles and giving some clear counsels and processing towards forgiveness and reconciliation. and those attempts were never successful.

i wonder why?

casting lots

a psalmist or a poet of the ancient times once said,
'the LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.'

therefore, i casted my lots and all to HIm alone.

we don't have salary today, as usual... it will be a delayed one again... never known when and how... and it's never uncommon.

i remain a volunteer worker who receives whatever it is worth receiving for my day to day sustenance. but most of all, it is because i have never been left hungry and needy. i can never call myself poor, in that sense.

let me recount just this week my fullness of heart and 'tummy'... in fact, i am still gaining weight despite of this seeming 'lack' or 'wanting'.
wednesday, ate phoebe sent baked mac and a bunch of pears, ate sha bought a bunch of oranges
thursday morning, ate bing came and brought pandesal, noodles and peanut butter
thursday lunch was a feast for evangel's goodbye party, it was such a huge feast!
friday, twins josh and john's fifth birthday, so we had spaghetti and a rich chocolate cake
today, welcome feasting for mutya who just came back from her east asia tour and vacation
today's dinner was a celebration feast again for ate libay's accomplishment (beating the deadline for her papers, hehehe)... a free dinner at the max's and window shopping at gateway.

whew! so am i really poor in this sense? heheehee... i may not have money but will never lack in anything. how can that be? i may never understand it so as to be able to articulate and answer that question.

but learning from one man of long time ago,
'not that i speak from want, for i have learned to be content in whatever circumstances i am. i know how to get along with humble means, and i also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance i have learned the secret of bing filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. i can do all things through HIM who strengthens me.'

You have made my lot secure... surely, i have a delightful inheritance...

Confrontation. Life and Death.

A dear friend’s wife, so young and alive, is given two days to live by the doctors today. Yes, two days, by the doctors. And they have two very young little children, ages below ten.

How can one remain calm and unaffected by such a news? How can one believer react?

Sadness, mourning? Questioning, puzzled? Angry, accuse God of injustice? Shocked, paralyzed? Where is the Lord? Where is comfort? Where is understanding? They are elusive.

The doctors declared, but not the Lord. Two days, in the eyes of man, but never in the eyes of God. There is life that never perishes and ends in the Lord’s presence. There is life even in this earth that God can extend. There is such a thing called miracle and healing. In the final analysis, it is the verdict of the Lord that will matter!!!

We need faith, faith unwavering, at such a time as this. Faith in the ways of the Lord which are higher than ours. His ways that are Sovereign and beyond our limited and small capacity to understand.

Why would life and death issues affect us so much? Why is it such a life-changing inevitable? Why, oh why? My notion is that we can never escape from the final analysis of life. Such final analysis of life that will be accounted in the end. Such final analysis of life that will be taken back by the Creator and Giver. Such final analysis that there is death!

Life is short. Life is temporary. It will surely come to pass. Life will end. And for some, it is sooner than expected. For many, it is simply soon.

But life is also eternal. Life is also not temporary. There is another life after death. In fact, death is only an entry point to that life which never ends. That life which promises no more suffering and grief and all that is temporary.

However, there is also a death that is eternal. Such death that promises not an entry to the never-ending life. Such death that declares finality. The final death without restoration.

Two deaths. Two lives. How can that be?

This is the story.

It is simply loosing any form of connection with and to the source of that never-ending life!

(i wrote this right after hearing the news. i dedicate this article to her... to liza, a dear friend and sister... a great mother and wife! thank you for inspiring me with your life! she went to be with our Father forever, more than two weeks after the doctors made that declaration.)

The Cross and Our Discipleship

Monday, October 03, 2005

"When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die."
~Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

"Becoming and being a christian involves a change so radical that no imagery can do justice but death and resurrection of Christ, namely, dying to the old life of self-indulgence and self-will, and rising to a new life of self-control and self-giving, in which the world has been crucified to us and we have been crucified to the world.

We glory in the cross for our discipleship.

...We human beings are born boasters. There seems to be something in our inherited constitution which inclines us to boasting. We seem to need to glory in something in order to inflate our ego. In consequence, we boast of our education, our possessions, our success, our reputation, even our piety. We find it hard to learn C. H. Spurgeon's dictum, 'Be not proud of race, face, place or grace.'

But in the last resort there is only one alternative before us. Either we glory in ourselves and in our own achievements, or we glory in Christ and his achievement on the cross. There is no possibility of compromise. A hallmark of authentic evangelical Christianity is that we glory only in the cross."
~John Stott, The Evangelical Truth


Yes, we glory only in the cross... that cross which meant glory in humiliation, life in death, victory in life! There is no other way... the path of the cross to life, the path of humility to glory!

Only Jesus can afford death because he is life!

Can this be simply a matter of perspective?

We finally had our first training day at DBD yesterday. It was a very challenging time for us in the team facing these mixed group of young students and their teachers (aka youth workers)... It was also exhausting being there with them the whole day - for the morning worship time and the whole afternoon training.

But beyond those seeming 'whinings' ;-)... I was encouraged by the Word which never ceases to pierce my heart and mind to keep going and being like Christ. We talked about the costly discipleship of Jesus which is the only one he talked about during his short stint here, thousands of years ago. Why would it need to be costly? Why would it has to be that way and no other? Why and why?

Why can't it be not the way of victory and mass evangelization in three years? Why would it has to be with and through the 12 men whom he chose? Yes, those 12 men who are very different from each other. Those 12 ordinary men like you and me?

Costly... homelessness, rejection, suffering. Servanthood... the bucket and the towel, the lowliest form of service.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me..." (Mark 8:34)

Cross, death to self, obedience without delay, commitment for life, no turning back when the going gets tough...

Love. Fruitfulness. Obedience.
Such love for the unloveable and the enemies. Such fruitfulness for the glory of the Father. Such obedience at all costs.

Syempre, di pwedeng mag-end ang training without the bucket and the towel. Salamat sa mga feet na nagpahugas! It was such one life-changing chapter of this journey called life, with them.

I am deeply honored and forever be grateful. I do not regret choosing this path called istafwork ;-).

Poema número veinte

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos».

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.*

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.




Poem Number 20

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, 'The night is starryand the stars are blue and shiver in the distance. 'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my armsmy soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me sufferand these the last verses that I write for her.

(this is an excerpt from my friend's collection of Pablo Neruda's great poems... thanks to you both... i keep wondering why i find them not just really interesting but more importantly a reality. hmmm... there's just one reason for that. i guess, i'm just really a real human being. welcome to the real world of being and becoming! indeed, the necessity of pain and suffering... we become more human because of them.)

i survived it

whew, finally! got all those hard paper works done. it was a real feeling of a little short of birth pangs. it was like a birthing experience again.

why could this be so hard again? writing is really one birthing event for me. some thoughts are first conceived then inevitably birthed at the right time...

oh well, so more birthing the next few months as more papers and reports are due. well, oh well. do i have a choice?

to bum around and procrastinate?

moping...

need to do a lot of things… work, work and work. but why is it that I just wanna pass time around. moping here in the net. creative juices pouring our of my head. unstoppable.

hayyy,
birthing of another kind?
another dimension?
something called tolerance
agonizing tolerance to
laziness...
procrastination...
and the likes?

Hah…
need to get out of this
crippling cycle!

'lest i forget'

that i am dust...

the tagline says it all
'where do i come from
a tiny speck in the universe
why am i here
why do i do what i do'

hungry
for what
devoid of anything
and everything
stripped of power
all is gone

crippled
numb
paralyzed

taken, given away
broken, now lost
torn apart

a singer says it all
'... because he knows
we are made of dust
we humans are like grass
or wild flowers
that quickly bloom
but a scorching wind blows
and they quickly wither
to be forever forgotten.'

to be forever forgotten!!!

greg's six words...

too many mistakes, too many failures.
countless pains both here and there.
weaknesses, oh, weaknesses.
abounding.

six words...

only if they could capture.
but, oh, so they can.

from pain to truth.
from passion to wisdom.

from a rich experience, a rich encounter. within and without the self.

greg's six words...

so clear, resounding!
truth, oh, the truth!
and it will set you free.

so loud, so resounding!
wisdom, oh, wisdom!
from failures and mistakes.

dreaded past
hated self
but there simply is
no other way

no other way
than this...

he's just not that into you!

(thanks greg, but it sure is liberating. it sure is the way... the only way to freedom. accepting the painful truth. right at your face. thanks oprah for the courage.)

casting crown's

Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours

Who am I
That the eyes that seek my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again

Who am I
That the voice that calm the sea
Would call on through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

*
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear
Coz I am Yours


random thoughts

... been so greatly affected by this song since day one.
... been thinking about who God really is if even my identity is anchored and depended on his being.
... so unthinkable, so unbelievable!
... yet, so comforting, so refreshing!

learning...

to live with contentment-discontentment.

contentment in discontentment
discontentment in contentment

the former to things that are really not well, at least not yet or will never will.
the latter to things of substandard and superficiality. even to inferiority and being lax.

The Great Iconoclast by Betsy Childs

06/21/05

The word "iconoclast" originally meant someone who destroys religious images. Iconoclasm reached its height in the eighth and ninth centuries when religious icons were highly controversial; the practice also became commonplace following the Reformation. In recent centuries, however, the word "iconoclast" has come to connote one who destroys ideas. Any person who displays revolutionary or countercultural thinking is liable to be labeled an iconoclast.

In July of 1960, C. S. Lewis watched his wife die of cancer. A year later, Lewis, under a pseudonym, published an account of his struggles with grief. The book A Grief Observed (which quickly came to be recognized as Lewis's own work) is a raw and heart-wrenching monologue. In it, Lewis expresses the feeling that God is ruthlessly destroying any of Lewis's preconceived notions of who God should be. Lewis recognizes that his own idea of God had become a "graven image," one that he himself fashioned and expected to remain motionless. He writes, "Images, I must suppose, have their use or they would not have been so popular. (It makes little difference whether they are pictures or statues outside the mind or imaginative constructions within it.) To me, however, their danger is more obvious. Images of the Holy easily become holy images-sacrosanct. My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of his presence? The incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all previous ideas of the Messiah in ruins. And most are 'offended' by the iconoclasm; and blessed are those who are not."(1)

It is inescapable that we will latch onto images of God; in fact, that is the way our finite minds work when attempting to grasp the infinite. Our view of God is often heavily influenced by our parents and role models. It may also be influenced by the advantages or disadvantages we have had, as well as every other significant life experience.

One's idea of God is always changing. God himself does not change but remains the same yesterday, today, and forever. In contrast, the believer's idea of God always falls short of the truth and must be continually toppled with the aim that it be rebuilt and come closer to the truth. As Lewis discovered, pain is frequently the instrument God uses to remind us that our "idea of God is not a divine idea."

Has your pain shattered your view of God? It requires desperate faith, such as the faith Lewis demonstrated, to believe that God has not departed and left us in pain, but is instead refashioning our impressions of who He is. God does not shatter our ideas of Him gleefully as a spoiled child ruining another's sand castle. Instead, he lovingly wrenches from us the false gods we cling to so that we can have the real thing. Scottish theologian Samuel Rutherford was known to remark that when cast into the cellars of affliction, he was reminded that this is where the great King keeps his wine.(2) The redeeming purpose of suffering in life is that it may send us into the arms of our maker.

Do you want to know God as He is, or as you would like Him to be? I have a hard time honestly answering that question. I find myself clinging to the idea that God will make me always comfortable because He doesn't want me to feel pain. I might as well think that water was created to fill swimming pools, and has nothing to do with quenching my thirst or washing me clean.

(1) A Grief Observed (Faber and Faber, 1964). (2) Quoted by John Piper in Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1996), 222.

surprised by joy!

cs lewis said this when he attempted to describe his encounter with (or was it, he was encountered by?) his Creator... yes, that's all we can afford to do, but attempt! words are insufficient to fully grasp, more so comprehend such encounter and encounters. words are handicap in many ways.

yet, attempt we can, so attempt we must. attempt is all i can do now. yes, surprised by joy! such unspeakable joy.

moment one was when noel, one fingerprint in my hat as a teacher/coach, called to discuss once again some dissonance in his current journey as a law student. good thing, he missed his usual call time of 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. yeah, just the wee hours of the morning. when the nocturnal republic is up and about.

anywayz, ayun... mga bandang alas otso, nagsumbong na naman siya dahil nababagabag daw siya sa kaguluhan sa ating bansa! wow!!! and that his disturbance prompts him to take action, to participate in the on-going cry of the people for change... for a better country... siyempre, he started with asking my readings of the time and how am i responding as a filipino christian. wow, hanep! siyempre, ambush yun. pero okay lang as i was more than glad to also share my own struggles and disturbances.

what struck me most was when he started sharing about his convictions and thoughts. he is one ideal youth that this land needs. he is one with dreams, good dreams for this land and its people. in fact, he wanna start it with their kasambahay, with his parents, then his classmates. he listened to the sentiments of their kasambahay against the abuses of the gov't towards the economically challenged like her. his heart is broken for them. so he prodded his parents to join him at edsa tres. then this time, he is asking his classmates to join him in a secret org to fights for a change in the land through writing... just like the la liga or the la solidaridad!!! dream on, noel...

we had a little argument at the end as i attempted to also allow him to see both sides well, as he has the tendency, too, (just like anyone of us) to be one-sided, too much leaning on one part alone of the two-faced-coin-reality. too much passion and conviction can be blinding at times, as we normally experience. his contention at times would look like pgma is too dirty while the rest of the celebrated united oppositions are too clean and truly untouchables.

but the reality is that we really have a crisis in leadership. this is where we started to grasp the bottomline. we lack real men and women with integrity and strong political resolve as leaders. we lack real statesmen who has a track record of good public service. we are in a crisis of leaders like ninoy aquino, romulo and recto of the early philippine republic, and maybe the likes of magsaysay and rizal. had it not been for this, we would have had a better resolve at the moment. no political system is too inefficient and corrupt to a leader of strong political resolve and integrity!

moment two was when i aciidentally bumped into dennis' well trodden path. he is another fingerprint in my teaching/coaching hat way back in the faraway kingdom of hills and rivers. my saint anthony years were truly colorful imprints in my heart. he's reviewing still at UP in between the bar exams this whole month. (tama ba yun?) at me kasama pa siyang friend, si marivic.

oh well, mukhang matanda na nga akong talaga, hehehe... yet, again, it's worth it. masaya, no, more than that ang feeling ko. reconnecting with him is nostalgic. grabe. we seem unable to simply let go of our past. there is always a part of us that fails and rejects to let go. lingering with the past is such an incurable disease of the heart and mind. a romance with the past is one bad habit. or was it an amnesia of the soul?

we talked about life in the saint anthony republic and the nearby kingdoms. we talked about our own lives now, decisions done, decisions to be made, hopes and dreams, mistakes committed, relationships, family. we also spend some limited leisure time on people and events. and all in all, we were inspired! we're both looking forward to meeting again with the rest of the gang here in peyups for one.

i was inspired. i was surprised. i was overjoyed.

i am excited. i am recharged. i am emotionally satisfied. it is well with my soul... amen!

ramrag na naman...

ramrag na naman basang pero puno pa ko sa ibang pagmate... magkaibang kaogmahan, excitement saka paglaom.

i had a very great day, generally. so many unexpected things happen but they are mostly pleasant ones. the budget hearing that i somehow dreaded, went on smoothly. i was grateful for the confidence and wisdom that i felt while doing the presentation. the deliberation went a bit longer than expected. many things were pointed out by the national director and they truly came across the team's attentive ears. i am grateful, too, for the support of my teammates though not everyone was around due to valid reasons. so, our budget was approved without much revision or chopping off, aka cost cutting schemes. i somehow affirm myself for that new ability to plan realistically while keeping our dreams in and for the team, intact. wow, at least, all our efforts (esp. to mention my sleepless nights) paid off. it was worth it! really... it becomes a reason for celebration!!! yey!!!

but, of course, the journey is not over yet, not even halfway. it is just beginning. the implementation process starts esp. in terms of raising those funds... we have a long way to go. but, again, thanks to the rdd for the support in all areas of fundraising and sustainable resource development and management. hmmm... speaking of self-sufficiency.

yet, i believe that somewhere in between, the Lord still calls us to a full dependence on Him in all things. i still would like to commit as i declare that in Him de we put our trust again and again, no matter what! may His favor rest upon us! again and again...

kaya ngowan na ramrag, gusto ko pa nanggad silngan ana bagong aldow, ana bagong paglaom... lalong nagraraom na pagtubod sa Diyos lamang!

m instincts

nangalas raw ako saigo ngowan na aldow na adi. ta sa unang pagkakataon agko ko weird-ong namatean ngowan. habang nag-aagi ko sa molave pauli sa anislag, bigla na lang na namatean kong parang gusto kong maging usad na kag-igin. ana baoy ko kan ngowan ay m instinct para sa pagiging usad na babayeng kag-igin. siyempre gusto kong purbaran na ipaliwanag ana mga bagay bagay sa usipon ko poon ko igin pa ko. usipon na itinuturo kana mga kag-igin namo.

amo, kag-igin namo.

so balik kita kanako. hmmm... gusto kong ispelingon adtong pagmate ko. parang pagmate iya na gusto kong magpadakulo na sa igin, maging puno ana buhay para sa kanya, iya na kakabit kana sadiri kong buhay, iya na magiging responsibilidad ko, na migtuturo kanako kana importansya, gayon saka kararuman kana buhay... iya na mig rason kanako, mig-unga sa mga unga sa buhay, adtong mga arararom na unga, usad gayod na matalinong igin.

hayyy... iya na mabubutan ko saigo, iya na migtuturo kanako kana pagkaboot na dalisay, pagkaboot na dayupot. usad na igin na mig-gakos na dayupot, mig-puno kana buhay ko sa ibang paagi, usad na paaging uda kapaliwanagan. usad na paagi na miteryoso pero maugma, matiwasay, malang gayon!

siyempre, napaunga lugod ako sa kin isay ana magiging kag-igin niyang lalaki. sana magkabayadan na kami o para mas matuod, sana mabayad nako niya... pero baka nabayad nako niya kadto pa. kaya siguro iba ana dapat na pamibi. sana magdesisyon naya. tawan lugod iya kana Diyos sa kusog-buot, sarig sa pagtubod saka determinasyon sa buhay. ako man sa usad na banda, namimibing magka-agko katiwasayan saka katuninungan ana buhay, puno sa pagtubod lalo na sa oras na dapat naman akong mag-gibo sa desisyon.

hmmm... dipisil palan magpaliwanag kana sadiri sa sadiring usipon. dipisil palan ana pag-isplikar kana puso mo sa arong kading paagi. doble ana sakit ta ana puso saka usipon ana mga iniisip pang sabay. pero di bale, salamat sa Diyos ta nakaraos man nanggad ako ngowan dawa isi kong nagpupuon pa lang ana usad na parte kana agi-agi ko sa buhay. usad na parte na nagpupuon pa sana, pero matuod saka reyalidad.

para sa usad pang reyalidad - nagluto palan ako ngowan sa inubasan na katnga. mejo arayo paya kumpara sa standard ni mama pero medyo okay naman adto ta pwede ng kaunon saka masiram man kuno. nasubrahan ko lang sa libas. di bale pwede pa man adtong maresolbiran. sige... padagos kita kana mga agi-agi ta sa buhay na adi na puno sa paglaom saka sa pagtubod.

salamat sa Diyos! Diyos mabalos...

all i need

been blabbing this song for quite some time now. though not sure who did this. but heard that it's side A, or was it a revival?

all i need is just a little more time to be sure what i feel
is it all in my mind 'coz it seems so hard to believe
that you're all i need

(tama kaya ang lyrics ko?) whatever...

mind over matter or matter over mind? feelings. thoughts. are all but one and the same. coming from the same set of brain and energy. yet, so complex, intricate, multifaceted. so precious.

believing. faith. making sure. the easiest resolve in this world. yet, so hard to do, to live out, to hang on to. not without endurance. not without perseverance. not without a depth in spirit. for it to endure until the end.

time. needed. demanded. but never can be owned. still loaned to man. still a gift.

you. you are all that i need. interdependence. community. communication. declaration.

you. you are all that i need. coming together. building something. loving & living. precious. mysterious.

a declaration beyond self. going out of the comfort zone. being selfless. boundless. connecting.

love. you. how can it ever be?

the necessity of them all

friends. surprising you with their presence in many forms and shapes. friends both near and far, old and new, young and not so young... and the list can go on. friendster messages, sms, blogs, emails, at your doorstep.

sabbath. rest unexpected due to God-mandated sickness. rest unexpected due to unstructured life and work. this life is a real gift!

granted unspoken prayers. as well as those that aren't yet. too many of them, both... making life so mysteriously wonderful and unexplainably great.

life's just worth all the wait and learnings... all the pains and laughters... all the expected and not expected. those revealed and concealed.

people. ideas. feelings. love.

joys. pains. the necessity of them all.

relinquishing...

all power. all control. all influence.

giving up. letting go.

how is it to relinquish all forms and sense of self and being? and instead surrender, retreat or withdraw? and instead be quiet and tamed?

this is part of my current state of being. if the state of the nation can be called chaotic, mine is way beyond that. my friends call it an early mid-life syndrome or crisis, maybe, for a lack of better words.

i feel a deep surge of loosing all shapes and colors of my very strong controlling habits. what for? why, oh, why, indeed?

one thing is certain. mine is a story in the making. i am simply an unfinished song. life is a constant drifting from the east to the west, from the north to the south. there is and there will always be a transformation. or is it completion? or perfection?

i am not and will never be in control no matter how hard i keep my rein. this truth remains.

must i, then, muster the attitude of relinquishing? up to what extent can i and i am willing to give up? until when should i let go?

i know not. and i may never know in this lifetime or even in eternity.

but it does not matter. as long as, i know that which really matters. after all, that is what matters most!

mahina at basag

what's wrong with being small? what's wrong with number two? or three?

yet, who wants to be no less than number one? or worse, the last one in the race? or the last place in the exams? everyone is urged to be number one or nothing. yeah, the number one network coverage, the number one senator, the number one student or survivor (as in starstruck!), the number one wife, and the list can go on... and on...

dog eats dog. survival of the fittest. matira ang matibay. convergence. networking. enlarging the territories.

driven society. success-oriented. no-less-than-the-best syndrome.

but what if you found out that there is such a 'call' to be weak and broken? or was it the 'call'? to begin with, the Master's path has been this and no other. all throughout His moment of incarnation, His was a life with utter display of dependence, weakness, brokenness, and worse, death! His was never an unending quest for independence, fame, power, and wealth.

only so that... strength and life can fully be revealed. there seem to be no other way for strength and life than this. there is just no other option. paradox! mystery!

is there a place for a theology of weakness in our society today? how about in the church?

most reveals

flat on my face. this refers to one sacred secret in life that i've been discovering over and over again. this seems to be of such great value lest the Creator will not allow me to keep going back to such familiar pattern. yet, the journey each time is always unfamiliar and difficult.

simplicity. the utmost surrender.
surrender. the well trodden path of the humble King.
suffering. the chosen path of obedience by the servant King.
humiliation. the only path to glory.
death. the only way to life.

Him, who is life, can afford to die. He can choose death because He is life, no more, no less.

yet, the call towards the same path, towards the same obedience, towards the same life is the same. to imitate Him and no other.

flat on my face. that will always be a recurring motiff. such never-ending motiff of dying day after day. so that i can see that from glory to glory, He is changing me.

for only in this brokenness can the light be most revealed.

state of being

broken. extreme brokenness. this captures well my current state of being.

restless. sleepless. are just but a few of its symptoms.

it's almost wake up time for many who dared tread the path well traveled at night. as they laid their heads and consciousness still and at rest. unlike them, i'm still up, up and about. restless. sleepless. nothing to awaken, only to sober. nothing to dust in my eye, only to stop. to stop the flowing river of unwanted tears.

why do tears linger? why do mourning stay? why are nights too long?

two theories. two possibilities. there is hope.

can be still a part of that enduring state of painful letting go. or can be a growing sense of a new life, an anticipation. a birthing after a death.

just like a seed which can never give birth to many more seeds if it does not die. a death that must happen before it can even live on its own. a death that is hard, harsh and cruel.

deadly pains.

broken earthen jar

'it is a broken earthen jar which most reveals the jewel within.' ~isobel kuhn

undercover

I am an undercover. I live with two identities which can never be put together. It is either-or, a great divide.

I am an undercover. I live with two identities because of a necessity. Because of a burden never my own. Because of a call bigger than myself.

At one moment I am a student of the Bible. But a few seconds later on, I am called to shift to being a student of the Qur’an.

I am a student. I study with my whole heart and being. But only one changes me deeply. There is only one needed direction and being. There is only one.

It is He who said that He is the way, the truth and the life. No more and no less. But, more of Him and less of me.

My friends are terrified and worried that I might still be seeking the way. I assured them that the One who has called me to the way, the truth and the life is the same One who is calling me to sit and understand the path of the Qur’an, not to seek the truth from, not to find the way from, not to look for life and its meaning from. But only to get a glimpse of the other side of the picture.

The fear of losing myself and my heart in the process is a reality and a challenge. Then, only by an extreme favor can I survive. Only by the favor of the One who has brought me this far. Only by the mercy of the One who set this path for me.

The choice is simple. Obey and be faithful. Or run away and get lost.

(Friday, after an IS 141 inspiring discussion again)

interruptions

Don’t be misled by your own reflections

It’s either you are so engrossed and in love with the self or that you believe so much in the capacity of the self both from a centered and Creator’s perspective.


Losing the Self

In being so concerned and full of others, looking at the extreme side of serving others, one can easily loose the self.


The Path

The path, sirat, destiny… are they one and the same?


Bad Unity and Good Division

When was the time that division was inevitable therefore necessary? Martin Luther’s time…

When was the time that unity was misleading therefore a painful unnecessity? The Tower of Babel…


Diplomacy

Diplomacy is the art and science of finding a friend in an enemy.

random thoughts

On 'The Last Samurai'.

The shame of defeat… no mind, one mind… no understanding…
Something new and old together makes up the beautiful…

Finding the blossom as perfect…
Together, we will let him listen to us…

----

Elizabeth Browning said, ‘how do I love thee, let me count the way...’ but I say, ‘why do I love thee, can I ever count the ways?’

----

When fate tells the inevitable. When the verdict says everything you never dreamt of ever hearing. Just when the impossible and nonexistent suddenly becomes real right at your face. Just when the time for confronting your greatest fear has finally arrived.

Onesimus said it very clearly. What could be harsher than freedom being taken from you? What can be harder than being stripped of your capacity to love and be loved? What can be more inhumane than being separated from your love, your very life? What lies ahead?

Separated

They were gripped with such deep sense of being different and set apart from that which is acceptable. They simply are unusual if not fully peculiar. It sprang from that belief of an identity that is separated from the ordinary and familiar. It is that separation of east and west, land and sky, heaven and earth, black and white, good and bad, and nothing else. A separation in all that matters in life here and now, there and then. An all of life difference.

A different worldview is worth looking at to begin with. How about a worldview on music? Music so they thought must be for an ultimate end. An end who is God, an intention that is worship, a form that is song and poetry.

Praise and worship. Quaker worship.

Musings of a Traveler

So they say that life is a journey… a journey of a thousand miles that may have started with a single step as Lao Tzu put it. A journey along many roads and options and that somewhere a fork would require a choice. One that is called as best. One that is seemingly right and good. The path towards the desirable if not the ultimately desired one.

Many roads. Many forks. Too many choices. Too many errors. And not a few are extremely costly if not totally life-threatening.

As usual, I’m on the road again. Walking, striding, at times gliding and going with the flow. But many times, I found myself going against the flow. This is a great time to exercise the soul. Many times, I do run. Run after life and run against the undesirable. This one is truly strenuous to a point of exhausting the very life in me. There are great demands beyond what I can give. That’s why a regular recharging is essential. A regular stopover, maybe a pause to inhale and exhale. A time to ponder on enduring and persevering. A moment to stop and gaze at the flowers. A moment to be grateful for the bees and the butterflies.

There are rocky roads and steep ones. There are the inevitably high climbs and lowest of the lows. And even the valley of the shadow of death. There are the necessary pains and the unavoidable grief. There are mourning and goodbyes. As well as hellos and how-are-yous. There are grave stumble and rising up to go on and stay in the journey.

But there are angels and strangers along the way, too. Helps abound in many forms, sizes, colors and faces. Faces even without names but much the same with big hearts. Hearts that are more significant than the names. But there are those unscrupulous strangers, too. Apparently, they seem to abound more than the angels. Yet, in the end, each encounter is necessary. Each heart and face is part of the landscape. Each experience is nothing more than essential. Ultimately one sees not the necessity of having new landscape, but simply having new eyes to see.

But the only path I’ve found worth the life in me is the path of obedience. The ultimate surrender and life!

goodbye, andrea

saying goodbye is never easy. but it is a part of life. seems like a day to day routine. an inevitability of the relating human existence.

last summer i said goodbye to two friends. both of them are really new friends. after knowing them for a time, they were taken away so soon... one is temporarily, i so hope. but the other one is for a lifetime.

here's my first goodbye epistle...

"Hi andrea, welcome back! I’ve been honored hearing from you and becoming a witness of God’s transforming work in your life. He is, indeed, good and faithful! Salamat sa balita at mga reflections. Thanks for the forwarded articles, too.

Been feasting on a lot of thoughts and ‘wonderment’ while reading your update and stories of and from the heart. It’s another experience, too, looking at those pictures. Just would like to say that ‘hadn’t my heart burn while hearing from you?’

Thanks my dear friend for everything. Would like to take this privilege to personally send you off with blessing! I join the rest of your friends and family in letting you go where you rightly belong ;-) in the space and time He set for you before even time began.

See you again ;-) in His time... Love, ~*shajarah ;-)))"

* a nom de plume

Celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

“I have a dream
that my four little children
Will one day live in a nation
Where they will not be judged
By the color of their skin…
But by the content of their character.”

~Martin Luther King, Jr.
1929-1968

Buscagliamania

Teach Life
(an excerpt from leo buscaglia's 'loving, living, and learning)

‘To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.”
Well, so what? Fools have a lot of fun.

“To weep is to risk being called sentimental.”
Of course I’m sentimental. I love it! Tears can help.

“To reach out to another is to risk involvement.”
Who’s risking involvement? I want to be involved.

“To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.”
What else do I have to show?
I say, ‘I have nothing to hide, nothing to prove and nothing to loose.’

“To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve.”
Oh, I’m called worse things than that.

“To love is to risk not being loved in return.”
This is my favorite: I don’t love to be loved in return.

“To live is to risk dying.”
I’m ready for it. Don’t you dare shed one tear if you hear that Buscaglia blew up in the air or dropped dead. He did it with enthusiasm.

“To hope is to risk despair, and to try is to risk failure.”
But risk must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. Chained by his certitudes, he’s slave. He’s forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free. Try it and see what happens.