wonderment

why, oh why?
so gartogcel asked
why leave? why resign?
how sure are you?

how sure am i?
that this is the time to go
that the signal has been finally set off
to move on and sail away

'i only want to rest'
that's my initial feeling
and for that answer
gartogcel is content

finally, he was content
and bid away saying
'good! good! very good!'
i wonder then, oh, well!

`coz deep within my heart's recesses
lies some deep uncovered feelings
that of saying my final goodbye
that the end has finally come

for me to be here in this place
that a new place is now being readied
as i tarried to obey
for the next instructions

somehow i also feel
that i needed not just recharging
but refocusing and re-hearing
a new identity, a new dream

a fresh vision, a fresh call
am i still needed here?
is this still my right place under the sun?
am i still obeying or just comfortably lurking?

it's not that i needed meaning
nor that i feel unneeded
it's just that i need clear reasons
why do i do what i do?

it's never enough that i go against the flow
for any sake
or that i go with the flow
for status quo

there simply must be a reason
reason enough to keep me going
reason afresh to recharge me
but never nothingness nor senselessness

can it be that i am tired
so as to loose that call
can it be that i am workaholic
so as to loose that ultimate focus

why do i do what i do?
is there a new cause, a fresh prodding
something that will revive
the sleepy and tired spirit in me

this spirit need to soar high and low again
i want to sing new songs
dream new dreams
weave stories upon stories

just where is the fire?
was it quenched
was it drained?
was it gone?

i cannot live this way
or else i simply will die
die out and die low
i want to live again

to live again to ideals
to empowerment
to life, to love
to Him, for Him

if even that is seemingly lost
what is there to live for
what is there to live out
what is there left for me?