missing the 'moment' again

writing is a gift. i said so because i can never do without its birth pangs. everytime i would attempt to write, there seems to be something in me that is lost and gone forever. maybe, a certain sacredness. maybe, its conception. its being from within and through me...

on the other hand, i can never write on my own. this means that while i would attempt writing for writing's sake, i would never come up with anything. there is simply nothing to squeeze from within. instead, there is always that need to pull something out of my inside. something which i am never in control of. something which i attribute to my soul and spirit. something which is connected to a source. such a mysterious source. the great Source of all sources.

finally, there is a certain time for writing. there is a certain mood required. i wouldn't know why and how... but it seems that these moods are never my making. they come in the unholiest of the hours, the most unexpected of time and circumstances, in never imagined places. yet, they are critical time, places, and circumstances.

i learned in science that time is of two kinds. one is called the 'chronos' and the other is the 'kairos'. the former is linear, a one after the other, a chronological setting up of time. the latter is something that can be captured at a given unexpected and unpredicted moment. something that expresses a perfect moment of bursting and ripeness. something that is simply perfect for and on that moment. it is not dependent on those moments before or after though can be connected to them. it is what many calls the 'moment in time'... that moment.

my kairos (es) have been hard times. and i feel that i have been disobeying many times. the bursting, birthing or what others call as the 'moment in time' come at lazy times like during midnight when everyone's head is laid to rest or at dawn when i am in the middle of my 'good' sleep. so how can obedience come freely? how easy would it be to obey in these cases?

just early this morning, at around four in the morning, i woke up from a dream where a clear instruction was given to my mind. a clear instruction about something to write. two major points and paragraphs were laid into my brain's memory card. and this is not the first time it happened. two other separate early morning thoughts were also poured to me the past two years, in a dream, too. and in all of these, i would decline to rise up and capture them in writing as i would plead with God to just let me recall them later in the morning when i wake up. just when my eyes and mind are home from drifting in the nowhere. just when i would be sober.

but as usual, they never do come back. these thoughts never come again. what is left are but small hints of them but never even a peek to its entirety. and again, i would regret not obeying, not taking time to give birth to those thoughts, being unwilling to sacrifice for the sake of those messages... those little revelations which are never mine... not at all! as they come mainly for different people and communities. for others. they are words never intended for myself.

as usual, i feel bad again, today. because i did not obey, for the third time. just when am i gonna serve the gift?

may the great, merciful and compassionate Giver of all gifts have mercy to a poor soul like me! may the Giver be patient with me. will i ever have another chance?

for the third time, i plead that they would come back. but they never did. or is it not yet? for i am never a writer. simply, in the making... a lousy one in the making.

and i missed it again!

('KAIROS Refers to a period of crisis and opportunity, the best timeto do something, the moment when circumstances are most suitable, the psychologically "ripe" moment for action.' ~from ISACC)

panaginip na naman

totoo... sa pangalawang pagkakataon sa taong ito at nakaraan, ako'y nanaginip kaninang madaling araw ng tungkol sa rumaragasang tubig, isang baha na katakut-takot... isang malaki at mapagpinsalang baha. maraming tao ang tinangay, maitim at malalim ang tubig, at ako'y naroon sa kalagitnaan ng lahat ng ito. nasa kalagitnaan habang abala sa mga dapat kong gawin gaya ng paghahanda sa isang pagtuturo o training...

gaya nang naunang panaginip, nakita ko ding madaming tao ang binawian ng buhay, mga bahay na nasira at natabunan ng tubig at mga sasakyang inanod sa kung saan ang hantungan ng mahabang rumaragasang tubig.

ano kaya ito? sa buhay ko?

spaces

breather...
vacancy...
preparing to receive again
availability of heart and soul

like the cascading waterfalls
sometimes in droves
sometimes in smaller drops
but never ending, simply yielding

provisions
sometimes withheld
sometimes it pours
yet, never-ending assurance

spaces are beautiful
they take your heart to its deeper seat
they take your soul to a higher plunge
of trusting and living in faith

yielding
surrender
life
no other way

(isang pag-iisip na nalikha matapos panoorin ang isang false waterfalls sa lugar na pinagdausan ng aming panalangin at retreat sa quezon city. marahil ay kathang dala ng palaisipang 'bakit kami'y pinagkaitan ng biyaya sa ngayon?' o 'bakit hindi pinagkakaloob ang lahat ng kagustuhan ng tao?' marahil ay kathang dala ng kasagutan sa mga dalangin sa panahong yaon. marahil ay kathang bilin ng Ispirito ng Dios, matapos ang dalawang araw na pakikipagniig at pakikinig.)

dreams

i have heard of many dreamers before... many books wrote about them - like two josephs the dreamer and many more... movies are made for and about them like that one casted by brendan fraser and also one called the dreamweaver and many more...

i also heard of my paternal grandmother's dreams and those of my own mama and papa's dreams. many of them were fulfilled... they happened to people they know and do not know. they happened in different time and places.

i also have my moments of rich dreams. some are good and beautiful while some are not. some were already fulfilled and some remained clear memories in my mind and heart.

these few months ago have been rich dreaming time for me. and for the first time, i want to capture them. it may mean losing their sacredness, as they come out of the sacred recesses of my heart and mind, yet, i want to attempt capturing them with words and the power of articulation.

it's been a few weks already that i have been dreaming of couples - a couple whom i know so well and one who are popular movie stars - who are having hard time in their marital relationship. i have found myself listening intently to their troubles and giving some clear counsels and processing towards forgiveness and reconciliation. and those attempts were never successful.

i wonder why?

casting lots

a psalmist or a poet of the ancient times once said,
'the LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.'

therefore, i casted my lots and all to HIm alone.

we don't have salary today, as usual... it will be a delayed one again... never known when and how... and it's never uncommon.

i remain a volunteer worker who receives whatever it is worth receiving for my day to day sustenance. but most of all, it is because i have never been left hungry and needy. i can never call myself poor, in that sense.

let me recount just this week my fullness of heart and 'tummy'... in fact, i am still gaining weight despite of this seeming 'lack' or 'wanting'.
wednesday, ate phoebe sent baked mac and a bunch of pears, ate sha bought a bunch of oranges
thursday morning, ate bing came and brought pandesal, noodles and peanut butter
thursday lunch was a feast for evangel's goodbye party, it was such a huge feast!
friday, twins josh and john's fifth birthday, so we had spaghetti and a rich chocolate cake
today, welcome feasting for mutya who just came back from her east asia tour and vacation
today's dinner was a celebration feast again for ate libay's accomplishment (beating the deadline for her papers, hehehe)... a free dinner at the max's and window shopping at gateway.

whew! so am i really poor in this sense? heheehee... i may not have money but will never lack in anything. how can that be? i may never understand it so as to be able to articulate and answer that question.

but learning from one man of long time ago,
'not that i speak from want, for i have learned to be content in whatever circumstances i am. i know how to get along with humble means, and i also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance i have learned the secret of bing filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. i can do all things through HIM who strengthens me.'

You have made my lot secure... surely, i have a delightful inheritance...

Confrontation. Life and Death.

A dear friend’s wife, so young and alive, is given two days to live by the doctors today. Yes, two days, by the doctors. And they have two very young little children, ages below ten.

How can one remain calm and unaffected by such a news? How can one believer react?

Sadness, mourning? Questioning, puzzled? Angry, accuse God of injustice? Shocked, paralyzed? Where is the Lord? Where is comfort? Where is understanding? They are elusive.

The doctors declared, but not the Lord. Two days, in the eyes of man, but never in the eyes of God. There is life that never perishes and ends in the Lord’s presence. There is life even in this earth that God can extend. There is such a thing called miracle and healing. In the final analysis, it is the verdict of the Lord that will matter!!!

We need faith, faith unwavering, at such a time as this. Faith in the ways of the Lord which are higher than ours. His ways that are Sovereign and beyond our limited and small capacity to understand.

Why would life and death issues affect us so much? Why is it such a life-changing inevitable? Why, oh why? My notion is that we can never escape from the final analysis of life. Such final analysis of life that will be accounted in the end. Such final analysis of life that will be taken back by the Creator and Giver. Such final analysis that there is death!

Life is short. Life is temporary. It will surely come to pass. Life will end. And for some, it is sooner than expected. For many, it is simply soon.

But life is also eternal. Life is also not temporary. There is another life after death. In fact, death is only an entry point to that life which never ends. That life which promises no more suffering and grief and all that is temporary.

However, there is also a death that is eternal. Such death that promises not an entry to the never-ending life. Such death that declares finality. The final death without restoration.

Two deaths. Two lives. How can that be?

This is the story.

It is simply loosing any form of connection with and to the source of that never-ending life!

(i wrote this right after hearing the news. i dedicate this article to her... to liza, a dear friend and sister... a great mother and wife! thank you for inspiring me with your life! she went to be with our Father forever, more than two weeks after the doctors made that declaration.)

The Cross and Our Discipleship

Monday, October 03, 2005

"When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die."
~Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

"Becoming and being a christian involves a change so radical that no imagery can do justice but death and resurrection of Christ, namely, dying to the old life of self-indulgence and self-will, and rising to a new life of self-control and self-giving, in which the world has been crucified to us and we have been crucified to the world.

We glory in the cross for our discipleship.

...We human beings are born boasters. There seems to be something in our inherited constitution which inclines us to boasting. We seem to need to glory in something in order to inflate our ego. In consequence, we boast of our education, our possessions, our success, our reputation, even our piety. We find it hard to learn C. H. Spurgeon's dictum, 'Be not proud of race, face, place or grace.'

But in the last resort there is only one alternative before us. Either we glory in ourselves and in our own achievements, or we glory in Christ and his achievement on the cross. There is no possibility of compromise. A hallmark of authentic evangelical Christianity is that we glory only in the cross."
~John Stott, The Evangelical Truth


Yes, we glory only in the cross... that cross which meant glory in humiliation, life in death, victory in life! There is no other way... the path of the cross to life, the path of humility to glory!

Only Jesus can afford death because he is life!

Can this be simply a matter of perspective?

We finally had our first training day at DBD yesterday. It was a very challenging time for us in the team facing these mixed group of young students and their teachers (aka youth workers)... It was also exhausting being there with them the whole day - for the morning worship time and the whole afternoon training.

But beyond those seeming 'whinings' ;-)... I was encouraged by the Word which never ceases to pierce my heart and mind to keep going and being like Christ. We talked about the costly discipleship of Jesus which is the only one he talked about during his short stint here, thousands of years ago. Why would it need to be costly? Why would it has to be that way and no other? Why and why?

Why can't it be not the way of victory and mass evangelization in three years? Why would it has to be with and through the 12 men whom he chose? Yes, those 12 men who are very different from each other. Those 12 ordinary men like you and me?

Costly... homelessness, rejection, suffering. Servanthood... the bucket and the towel, the lowliest form of service.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me..." (Mark 8:34)

Cross, death to self, obedience without delay, commitment for life, no turning back when the going gets tough...

Love. Fruitfulness. Obedience.
Such love for the unloveable and the enemies. Such fruitfulness for the glory of the Father. Such obedience at all costs.

Syempre, di pwedeng mag-end ang training without the bucket and the towel. Salamat sa mga feet na nagpahugas! It was such one life-changing chapter of this journey called life, with them.

I am deeply honored and forever be grateful. I do not regret choosing this path called istafwork ;-).

Poema número veinte

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos».

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.*

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.




Poem Number 20

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, 'The night is starryand the stars are blue and shiver in the distance. 'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my armsmy soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me sufferand these the last verses that I write for her.

(this is an excerpt from my friend's collection of Pablo Neruda's great poems... thanks to you both... i keep wondering why i find them not just really interesting but more importantly a reality. hmmm... there's just one reason for that. i guess, i'm just really a real human being. welcome to the real world of being and becoming! indeed, the necessity of pain and suffering... we become more human because of them.)

i survived it

whew, finally! got all those hard paper works done. it was a real feeling of a little short of birth pangs. it was like a birthing experience again.

why could this be so hard again? writing is really one birthing event for me. some thoughts are first conceived then inevitably birthed at the right time...

oh well, so more birthing the next few months as more papers and reports are due. well, oh well. do i have a choice?

to bum around and procrastinate?

moping...

need to do a lot of things… work, work and work. but why is it that I just wanna pass time around. moping here in the net. creative juices pouring our of my head. unstoppable.

hayyy,
birthing of another kind?
another dimension?
something called tolerance
agonizing tolerance to
laziness...
procrastination...
and the likes?

Hah…
need to get out of this
crippling cycle!

'lest i forget'

that i am dust...

the tagline says it all
'where do i come from
a tiny speck in the universe
why am i here
why do i do what i do'

hungry
for what
devoid of anything
and everything
stripped of power
all is gone

crippled
numb
paralyzed

taken, given away
broken, now lost
torn apart

a singer says it all
'... because he knows
we are made of dust
we humans are like grass
or wild flowers
that quickly bloom
but a scorching wind blows
and they quickly wither
to be forever forgotten.'

to be forever forgotten!!!

greg's six words...

too many mistakes, too many failures.
countless pains both here and there.
weaknesses, oh, weaknesses.
abounding.

six words...

only if they could capture.
but, oh, so they can.

from pain to truth.
from passion to wisdom.

from a rich experience, a rich encounter. within and without the self.

greg's six words...

so clear, resounding!
truth, oh, the truth!
and it will set you free.

so loud, so resounding!
wisdom, oh, wisdom!
from failures and mistakes.

dreaded past
hated self
but there simply is
no other way

no other way
than this...

he's just not that into you!

(thanks greg, but it sure is liberating. it sure is the way... the only way to freedom. accepting the painful truth. right at your face. thanks oprah for the courage.)

casting crown's

Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours

Who am I
That the eyes that seek my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again

Who am I
That the voice that calm the sea
Would call on through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

*
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear
Coz I am Yours


random thoughts

... been so greatly affected by this song since day one.
... been thinking about who God really is if even my identity is anchored and depended on his being.
... so unthinkable, so unbelievable!
... yet, so comforting, so refreshing!

learning...

to live with contentment-discontentment.

contentment in discontentment
discontentment in contentment

the former to things that are really not well, at least not yet or will never will.
the latter to things of substandard and superficiality. even to inferiority and being lax.

The Great Iconoclast by Betsy Childs

06/21/05

The word "iconoclast" originally meant someone who destroys religious images. Iconoclasm reached its height in the eighth and ninth centuries when religious icons were highly controversial; the practice also became commonplace following the Reformation. In recent centuries, however, the word "iconoclast" has come to connote one who destroys ideas. Any person who displays revolutionary or countercultural thinking is liable to be labeled an iconoclast.

In July of 1960, C. S. Lewis watched his wife die of cancer. A year later, Lewis, under a pseudonym, published an account of his struggles with grief. The book A Grief Observed (which quickly came to be recognized as Lewis's own work) is a raw and heart-wrenching monologue. In it, Lewis expresses the feeling that God is ruthlessly destroying any of Lewis's preconceived notions of who God should be. Lewis recognizes that his own idea of God had become a "graven image," one that he himself fashioned and expected to remain motionless. He writes, "Images, I must suppose, have their use or they would not have been so popular. (It makes little difference whether they are pictures or statues outside the mind or imaginative constructions within it.) To me, however, their danger is more obvious. Images of the Holy easily become holy images-sacrosanct. My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of his presence? The incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all previous ideas of the Messiah in ruins. And most are 'offended' by the iconoclasm; and blessed are those who are not."(1)

It is inescapable that we will latch onto images of God; in fact, that is the way our finite minds work when attempting to grasp the infinite. Our view of God is often heavily influenced by our parents and role models. It may also be influenced by the advantages or disadvantages we have had, as well as every other significant life experience.

One's idea of God is always changing. God himself does not change but remains the same yesterday, today, and forever. In contrast, the believer's idea of God always falls short of the truth and must be continually toppled with the aim that it be rebuilt and come closer to the truth. As Lewis discovered, pain is frequently the instrument God uses to remind us that our "idea of God is not a divine idea."

Has your pain shattered your view of God? It requires desperate faith, such as the faith Lewis demonstrated, to believe that God has not departed and left us in pain, but is instead refashioning our impressions of who He is. God does not shatter our ideas of Him gleefully as a spoiled child ruining another's sand castle. Instead, he lovingly wrenches from us the false gods we cling to so that we can have the real thing. Scottish theologian Samuel Rutherford was known to remark that when cast into the cellars of affliction, he was reminded that this is where the great King keeps his wine.(2) The redeeming purpose of suffering in life is that it may send us into the arms of our maker.

Do you want to know God as He is, or as you would like Him to be? I have a hard time honestly answering that question. I find myself clinging to the idea that God will make me always comfortable because He doesn't want me to feel pain. I might as well think that water was created to fill swimming pools, and has nothing to do with quenching my thirst or washing me clean.

(1) A Grief Observed (Faber and Faber, 1964). (2) Quoted by John Piper in Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1996), 222.

surprised by joy!

cs lewis said this when he attempted to describe his encounter with (or was it, he was encountered by?) his Creator... yes, that's all we can afford to do, but attempt! words are insufficient to fully grasp, more so comprehend such encounter and encounters. words are handicap in many ways.

yet, attempt we can, so attempt we must. attempt is all i can do now. yes, surprised by joy! such unspeakable joy.

moment one was when noel, one fingerprint in my hat as a teacher/coach, called to discuss once again some dissonance in his current journey as a law student. good thing, he missed his usual call time of 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. yeah, just the wee hours of the morning. when the nocturnal republic is up and about.

anywayz, ayun... mga bandang alas otso, nagsumbong na naman siya dahil nababagabag daw siya sa kaguluhan sa ating bansa! wow!!! and that his disturbance prompts him to take action, to participate in the on-going cry of the people for change... for a better country... siyempre, he started with asking my readings of the time and how am i responding as a filipino christian. wow, hanep! siyempre, ambush yun. pero okay lang as i was more than glad to also share my own struggles and disturbances.

what struck me most was when he started sharing about his convictions and thoughts. he is one ideal youth that this land needs. he is one with dreams, good dreams for this land and its people. in fact, he wanna start it with their kasambahay, with his parents, then his classmates. he listened to the sentiments of their kasambahay against the abuses of the gov't towards the economically challenged like her. his heart is broken for them. so he prodded his parents to join him at edsa tres. then this time, he is asking his classmates to join him in a secret org to fights for a change in the land through writing... just like the la liga or the la solidaridad!!! dream on, noel...

we had a little argument at the end as i attempted to also allow him to see both sides well, as he has the tendency, too, (just like anyone of us) to be one-sided, too much leaning on one part alone of the two-faced-coin-reality. too much passion and conviction can be blinding at times, as we normally experience. his contention at times would look like pgma is too dirty while the rest of the celebrated united oppositions are too clean and truly untouchables.

but the reality is that we really have a crisis in leadership. this is where we started to grasp the bottomline. we lack real men and women with integrity and strong political resolve as leaders. we lack real statesmen who has a track record of good public service. we are in a crisis of leaders like ninoy aquino, romulo and recto of the early philippine republic, and maybe the likes of magsaysay and rizal. had it not been for this, we would have had a better resolve at the moment. no political system is too inefficient and corrupt to a leader of strong political resolve and integrity!

moment two was when i aciidentally bumped into dennis' well trodden path. he is another fingerprint in my teaching/coaching hat way back in the faraway kingdom of hills and rivers. my saint anthony years were truly colorful imprints in my heart. he's reviewing still at UP in between the bar exams this whole month. (tama ba yun?) at me kasama pa siyang friend, si marivic.

oh well, mukhang matanda na nga akong talaga, hehehe... yet, again, it's worth it. masaya, no, more than that ang feeling ko. reconnecting with him is nostalgic. grabe. we seem unable to simply let go of our past. there is always a part of us that fails and rejects to let go. lingering with the past is such an incurable disease of the heart and mind. a romance with the past is one bad habit. or was it an amnesia of the soul?

we talked about life in the saint anthony republic and the nearby kingdoms. we talked about our own lives now, decisions done, decisions to be made, hopes and dreams, mistakes committed, relationships, family. we also spend some limited leisure time on people and events. and all in all, we were inspired! we're both looking forward to meeting again with the rest of the gang here in peyups for one.

i was inspired. i was surprised. i was overjoyed.

i am excited. i am recharged. i am emotionally satisfied. it is well with my soul... amen!

ramrag na naman...

ramrag na naman basang pero puno pa ko sa ibang pagmate... magkaibang kaogmahan, excitement saka paglaom.

i had a very great day, generally. so many unexpected things happen but they are mostly pleasant ones. the budget hearing that i somehow dreaded, went on smoothly. i was grateful for the confidence and wisdom that i felt while doing the presentation. the deliberation went a bit longer than expected. many things were pointed out by the national director and they truly came across the team's attentive ears. i am grateful, too, for the support of my teammates though not everyone was around due to valid reasons. so, our budget was approved without much revision or chopping off, aka cost cutting schemes. i somehow affirm myself for that new ability to plan realistically while keeping our dreams in and for the team, intact. wow, at least, all our efforts (esp. to mention my sleepless nights) paid off. it was worth it! really... it becomes a reason for celebration!!! yey!!!

but, of course, the journey is not over yet, not even halfway. it is just beginning. the implementation process starts esp. in terms of raising those funds... we have a long way to go. but, again, thanks to the rdd for the support in all areas of fundraising and sustainable resource development and management. hmmm... speaking of self-sufficiency.

yet, i believe that somewhere in between, the Lord still calls us to a full dependence on Him in all things. i still would like to commit as i declare that in Him de we put our trust again and again, no matter what! may His favor rest upon us! again and again...

kaya ngowan na ramrag, gusto ko pa nanggad silngan ana bagong aldow, ana bagong paglaom... lalong nagraraom na pagtubod sa Diyos lamang!

m instincts

nangalas raw ako saigo ngowan na aldow na adi. ta sa unang pagkakataon agko ko weird-ong namatean ngowan. habang nag-aagi ko sa molave pauli sa anislag, bigla na lang na namatean kong parang gusto kong maging usad na kag-igin. ana baoy ko kan ngowan ay m instinct para sa pagiging usad na babayeng kag-igin. siyempre gusto kong purbaran na ipaliwanag ana mga bagay bagay sa usipon ko poon ko igin pa ko. usipon na itinuturo kana mga kag-igin namo.

amo, kag-igin namo.

so balik kita kanako. hmmm... gusto kong ispelingon adtong pagmate ko. parang pagmate iya na gusto kong magpadakulo na sa igin, maging puno ana buhay para sa kanya, iya na kakabit kana sadiri kong buhay, iya na magiging responsibilidad ko, na migtuturo kanako kana importansya, gayon saka kararuman kana buhay... iya na mig rason kanako, mig-unga sa mga unga sa buhay, adtong mga arararom na unga, usad gayod na matalinong igin.

hayyy... iya na mabubutan ko saigo, iya na migtuturo kanako kana pagkaboot na dalisay, pagkaboot na dayupot. usad na igin na mig-gakos na dayupot, mig-puno kana buhay ko sa ibang paagi, usad na paaging uda kapaliwanagan. usad na paagi na miteryoso pero maugma, matiwasay, malang gayon!

siyempre, napaunga lugod ako sa kin isay ana magiging kag-igin niyang lalaki. sana magkabayadan na kami o para mas matuod, sana mabayad nako niya... pero baka nabayad nako niya kadto pa. kaya siguro iba ana dapat na pamibi. sana magdesisyon naya. tawan lugod iya kana Diyos sa kusog-buot, sarig sa pagtubod saka determinasyon sa buhay. ako man sa usad na banda, namimibing magka-agko katiwasayan saka katuninungan ana buhay, puno sa pagtubod lalo na sa oras na dapat naman akong mag-gibo sa desisyon.

hmmm... dipisil palan magpaliwanag kana sadiri sa sadiring usipon. dipisil palan ana pag-isplikar kana puso mo sa arong kading paagi. doble ana sakit ta ana puso saka usipon ana mga iniisip pang sabay. pero di bale, salamat sa Diyos ta nakaraos man nanggad ako ngowan dawa isi kong nagpupuon pa lang ana usad na parte kana agi-agi ko sa buhay. usad na parte na nagpupuon pa sana, pero matuod saka reyalidad.

para sa usad pang reyalidad - nagluto palan ako ngowan sa inubasan na katnga. mejo arayo paya kumpara sa standard ni mama pero medyo okay naman adto ta pwede ng kaunon saka masiram man kuno. nasubrahan ko lang sa libas. di bale pwede pa man adtong maresolbiran. sige... padagos kita kana mga agi-agi ta sa buhay na adi na puno sa paglaom saka sa pagtubod.

salamat sa Diyos! Diyos mabalos...

all i need

been blabbing this song for quite some time now. though not sure who did this. but heard that it's side A, or was it a revival?

all i need is just a little more time to be sure what i feel
is it all in my mind 'coz it seems so hard to believe
that you're all i need

(tama kaya ang lyrics ko?) whatever...

mind over matter or matter over mind? feelings. thoughts. are all but one and the same. coming from the same set of brain and energy. yet, so complex, intricate, multifaceted. so precious.

believing. faith. making sure. the easiest resolve in this world. yet, so hard to do, to live out, to hang on to. not without endurance. not without perseverance. not without a depth in spirit. for it to endure until the end.

time. needed. demanded. but never can be owned. still loaned to man. still a gift.

you. you are all that i need. interdependence. community. communication. declaration.

you. you are all that i need. coming together. building something. loving & living. precious. mysterious.

a declaration beyond self. going out of the comfort zone. being selfless. boundless. connecting.

love. you. how can it ever be?

the necessity of them all

friends. surprising you with their presence in many forms and shapes. friends both near and far, old and new, young and not so young... and the list can go on. friendster messages, sms, blogs, emails, at your doorstep.

sabbath. rest unexpected due to God-mandated sickness. rest unexpected due to unstructured life and work. this life is a real gift!

granted unspoken prayers. as well as those that aren't yet. too many of them, both... making life so mysteriously wonderful and unexplainably great.

life's just worth all the wait and learnings... all the pains and laughters... all the expected and not expected. those revealed and concealed.

people. ideas. feelings. love.

joys. pains. the necessity of them all.