The Nabi and The Rusul said:

"If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross and follow me. If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it. What will you gain, if your own the whole world but destroy yourself? what would you give back your soul?"

"The Son of Man will soon come in the glory of my Father and with his angels to rewards all people for what they have done. I promise you that some of those standing here will not die before they see the Son of Man coming with his kingdom."

The paradox, the paradox! Just how can it ever be? But in every suffering and death, there is joy, reward and life abounding... new birth, new life, new hope, new grace and everlasting love!

Prayer of Rupert Mayer

Lord, what You will let it be so.
Where You will, there we will go.
What is Your will? Help us to know.

Lord, when You will, the time is right.
In You there's joy in strife.
For Your will I'll give my life.

To ease Your burden brings no pain.
To forego all for You is gain,
as long as I in You remain.

Because You will it, it is best.
Because You will it, we are blest.
Till in Your hands, our hearts find rest,
till in Your hands, our hearts find rest.

too many interesting women

two days ago
that rainy sunday afternoon
over a yellow corn and isaw at sanggumay
dreaming moments with kalai
IIS classmate, friend and fellow inclusivist

trying hard visionaries
for a cause bigger than life
one beyond us for others
the muslim in the south
school, research, historical accounts
grassroots needs based, Sulu, ARMM

together for others!
adobo secrets, too! hahaha...

heard from A of the A land
jilbabs, UNICEF and int'l NGOs
a finnish lady, a belgian lady, a filipina
on da vinci code, jesus mystery, parables
for the A women and families

here comes florence aka flow
over breakfast today
nice and new avatar
business, money, travel agency
rizal and the young patriots
trips to mumbai and delhi

jesi, oh jesi march
on men and relationships
long distance friendship and mentoring
lessons on waiting, longings, love and service
exciting, interesting, hard, grace-filled...

then, there's ida and lorah
mutya and yvette
hanggang sa muli...

ano pa ho ang nais Niyo?

araw-araw ng paglalakbay na patay sa sarili... pagtalikod at pag-iwan ng mga bagay-bagay, pag-uugali, kinagawian, kagustuhan at pangarap na taliwas sa Inyong kagustuhan.

lahat ng iyon ay dahil sa Inyong dakilang awa, kapangyarihan, pagkalinga at gabay... lahat ng iyon ay dahil sa Inyong dakilang kagustuhang ako ay maging kawangis ng Inyong Anak... maging maganda at kaiga-igaya sa Inyong harapan!

what do You still want from me, Lord? i have given everything to You. i have given up all my dreams and desires. i have been in the never-ending path of relinquishing... what else do You want? what else do you demand me stripped of?

all controls... all dreams... all wishes... all desires... You have taken them! all of them!

ano pa ho ang nais Niyo? ano pa ang nais Nyong mangyari sa buhay ko? ano pa, aking Ama?

aking tinalikuran ang daan ng self-sufficiency, ng independence, ng aking sariling kagustuhan, plano at naisin... kaya nga at ako'y nagka-relasyon ng wala sa aking plano. kaya nga't tinanggap ko siya ng buong puso bilang inyong kaloob at naisin para sa akin sa panahon at bahaging ito ng buhay. kaya nga at tinahak ko ng matiwasay at may pagtitiwala ang paglalakbay na ito kasama niya. tanging naisin ko po ay ang sumunod sa Inyo at matutong lalong magtiwala.

aking tinalikuran ang comfort zone ng isang pamilyang naghubog, nagmahal, tumanggap sa akin sa loob ng anim na taon at mahigit... at ngayon ay iyong kinuha pa ang kaisa-isang bagay na magpapaalala sa akin ng mga nabuong pangarap at buhay kasama sila. bakit po? bakit pa?

and as if those are not enough, you are asking me to leave behind my family, my parents, all our plans in the family, my country, my dreams with my people, my own hope for a better life in the future with my own family, all my small dreams of simple joys and comforts, my little desires for the basics in life - food, clothing, shelter, education, decent home, decent job, simple lifestyle...

i know it because You are clearly pointing me to the opposite of all these... why, oh why?

why are You leading me to a homeless existence and future, not just for myself but even for my family? why an indecent job for the sake of a so-called calling? why a complicated potential lifestyle of cross-cultural existence? why leave behind my dream for a life of a scholar? why a simple existence of basic food and clothing? why, indeed?

but, i know that in the end, Kayo pa din ang mananalo... talo pa din ako! Kayo pa din ang masusunod... in the final analysis of things.

how does a 20 year old faith journey looks like?

hayy... i'm really so sad i know that today is my 20th spiritual birthday. but i dont know why it started with such a traumatic experience...

i just remembered that a few days ago, the Lord has been leading me to a striking encounter with matt 11.25-30... where the invitation is to rest in Jesus and learn of his humility and gentleness... where the invitation is to take the yoke that Jesus gave and put it on my shoulders... where the invitation is to bear the yoke that is easy and light... where the invitation is to come and receive the rest that Jesus reserved for those who are weary and tired from carrying heavy burdens...

my heavy burdens are:

loosing just a year old cellphone and having such trauma of being robbed almost every year the past 3-4 years... but this one is the worst - being doubly robbed of the security of a home!

being the one to be blamed for the same looses of my two brothers... one brother loosing his own cellphone, too, and some huge amount for his family's moving on expenses... and another brother loosing another huge amount which is supposedly for my father's cellphone, too...

why, oh why? my lot was set today...

but i am destined for a choice... and i choose the yoke that is light and easy... and i choose the path to rest and well-being...

the Lord is good and His love endures forever... this remains and will remain even after a thousand more 20 years ahead... what a sustaining grace! what a love divine! what a great wonder! what a miracle...

our mabli mayumi

hi yumi, love you yumi

isang maligayang pagdating!
mainit na pagtanggap
malipayong pag-abot
mamuyang pagka-igin

prinsesa ng buhay

ng bahay, ng lahat

mahalagang kapamilya

magandang pagbabago

a prayer

'Grant your daughter and servant, O King!
with wisdom, courage and love so divine
As I pursue your sacred call to nurture
To serve the Filipino student world this time.'

if our sacred call is a gift of grace, then our obedience is never to be taken on or for us!

the bottomline remains, as who is the King and God, and who we are!

though it may be said that our obedience blesses others, it is inevitable that the blessing of the Lord follows. it is simply inevitable!

yet, the bottomline remains...

being a recipient of so much grace, places us in a position of seeing, experiencing and understanding giving in a new and powerful light... one which we cannot afford to ignore and neglect.

it is essence than presence, depth over spread!

word three response

you have once again spoken
your word has been so clear again
and in humility and surrender
i respond and will respond
in obedience and love
i cling to you...

i seek your grace
your mercy
your forgiveness
your love!

now, i stand tall
as you have spoken
in your might and power

now, i stand tall
as the time has come
for trusting and believing

now, i stand tall
as you called me
gave me gifts and insights
and answered our cries

now, it is clear
by faith i stand
by faith i will obey
by faith i come

now, it is clear
you called me to be
like the One and no one else

in humility
in sacrifice
un costly obedience
i should stand

it is not me
i should become less
and less and less
so that the One
becomes more
and more and more

the word is clear
you had spoken
the sparrows need not worry
for you care them and for them

the grass withers
after some few days
but in its season
you garb them beauty and life

as you called me again
as this is what i have been waiting for
i step in faith, trusting and believing
this is where you want me to be...

you changed by heart, indeed!

you are awesome, glorious, beautiful, good!
you are sovereign, mighty, powerful, good!
you know, so i trust!

i come, obey in faith
i will stay...
i will remain...
in the center of your will!

in this sacred call
in this gift of grace
in this obedience
in this faithfulness

amidst the challenges
the waves of 'sanballats'
the call to sacrifice
the call to surrender

the call to humiliation
the call to death
the call to be like him
and no one else!

i worry not
nor should i fear
you are with me
the call is clear!

decisions made
not out of rebellion
nor of hostilities
but out of surrender

out of grace, of love
out of death to self
out of sacrifice
out of obedience

all because of grace
all because of C
who triumphed over
the grave. Amen!

i confess all my sins
my unbelief and sarcasm
my doubts and fears
my cynicism and overly critical mind
my weaknesses and selfish heart

i come to you
for mercy and grace
as i stand tall and
step in and by faith
GET INTO THE BOAT
again...

(acts 14.21-28 from the new ND, his first expo of the word...)

word two response

the Word of God has spoken
as an ecclesiastical body
a community of believers
followers of Isah
this is what we have to wait for!

not and never will it be
the words of this world
the lure of relevance
the call of the lost

this is the bottomline
and will always be...

have we allowed the ways of the world to creep into our midst? can we allow the lure of relevance to seduce our faithless hearts?

or do we need to speak up as prophets of our times, mourning over our own deaths, in sorrow at the death of our call and distinctive as a movement, as an IFES, called to be servants of and to the Cross?

we came and responded to the call of simplicity and utmost surrender, as staffworker, with Isah as our only possession, giving up our rights, everything we have, with Him and the Cross as our only vision.

now, are we going to change that? are we going to replace our vision of the Lord Isah with policies, with the lure of a PhP 15K or PhP 20K (or more) salary just to be at par with the world's standard? are we replacing our call to sacrifice with the seduction of relevance, joining the worldviews of rat race, convenience, with solutions to problems, thus, reducing our call to mere programs and projects?

far be it from us
to heed riches
or man's empty praise
to replace our gaze
with programs and
relevance

after a sleepless night and never a dry eye moment, the Word has clearly spoken, the song has clearly shaken the core of our being... and no matter what others say and will say, we ought to stand tall, to respond, to get loud!

our emotions matter, after all, we are human beings and not human doings! this is what we teach because we affirm our createdness and our Creator! we affirm the tears of the greatest teacher Isah when he lived here once upon a time. he once was a feeling person and will remain to know and understand such feeling as well as ours. he once felt the pain of death, he once mourned over a death of a good friend.

these things have the least of its bearings on me, if i may say...
as i can leave anytime now
after all, i am due for sabbath
i am single, still young
(according to the UN definition of youth)
professionally skilled and experienced
can work or find a job
or if i may wish
find a rich young ruler
who can be a good 'papa.'

but i cannot do that... it is not an option as i see my colleagues in pain and anguish over some stupid policies... i cannot tolerate the option of simply bowing to policies created by the same authorities we ourselves have prayed for and 'chosen' (elected) to be there, entrusted and mandated to be our protector and allies.

now is the time, then, not to sit down as the One has spoken.

now is the time to catch the wave of what the One is saying and doing in our midst. let us speak up. let us get loud! let us affirm, as an ecclesiastical community, if this is where the One is leading us, if this is what he wants us to do. or else, let us altogether refuse to allow this to come to us and let the next generation suffer of our silence (!), of our refusal to speak out, of our fear of what the authorities will say or do to us.

let us speak up, my friends and family!

i do not do this without the readiness, though, for a possibility, maybe a natural consequence, or maybe an affirmation, that it is me who has to go. that maybe the time has come for me to bid goodbye, to move on and seek the next assignment from the one who called, who is calling, and will be calling.

the One true love of my life, the One in my heart, is my only vision... is our only vision! no one and nothing else!

lest we loose the substance, the essence of all these coming and going, these doing and having, these expressions of love, loaylty and service!

(after one powerful privilege speech... after one turbulent shaking... after that fateful BOT releasing of bombshell... and after 1 Corinthians 9)

word one response

the season of trusting and believing
has, indeed, come!

why do you speak out so loud now?
why do you answer my questions?
why are you so involved with me?
why do you care?
why are you concern?

truly, truly!
the season of trusting
the season of believing
the season of listening
the season of grace
has finally come...

should i linger?
must i despise?

i confess...
my unbelief
my unreadiness
my unwillingness
as i hold on the reins
of my heart
of trusting myself
more than i trust you

i surrender
i lay down my life
in all its wickedness
before your throne
of love, of grace!

now...
i rejoice
i embrace
i receive
i celebrate
as i glory in you
alone!

i did not seek you
but you found me
i did not love you
but you loved me
i did not honor you
but you honored me

how great is this love!

so, i go on in life
so, i move on this life

i go with that same love
that same grace
that same memory
that same experience
that same track record
of love, of grace

forgive me, please
have mercy on me
help me to listen to you!

pains from people
pains given and received
suffering...

moving on
unknown
faith

sacrifice
can i ever drink this cup?

(genesis 38, 43, 44, 49; cf. matt. 1)

the reason

just thought and realized now
the reason for this blog's existence
is no other way than both
the dying and birthing

true and equally true
is the sole fact that
only in dying is there
such blissful birthing and life

where both pain and joy
come together in glorious
amalgamation, anticipated
for life, for love, for Him alone

miracle upon miracle
this is it...
the path, the way
its homeward bound

like that train that was
bound for glory!
and thus,
no other way here
than that same glory!

mga pagbabago sa buhay

hmm... kakatuwa nga naman ang buhay. minsan ay masaya, minsan naman ay malungkot. minsan ay kakaiba dahil hindi lamang madilim ang langit kundi ay nagngangalit pa ang unos. ngunit, minsan naman ay sobrang liwanag ng araw at walang anumang pagbabadya.

mga ilang buwan na rin, mula nang matagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili kong kusang sumasabay sa agos ng buhay. ito marahil ay dahil sa sobrang dami ng mga pagbabago... mga bagay-bagay na sapat upang magpawi ng anumang natitira pang lakas para umalpas o makatakas.

hayy... ako na nga ba ito? pagod na sa paglangoy palayo sa agos ng buhay? takot nang lumaban pa? o marahil ito ay panahon lamang ng pag-agos sa mga pagbabagong nararapat piliin at tahakin? patungo sa lugar na nararapat puntahan? patungo sa tahanan ng puso, tahanan ng buhay, tahanan kasama kayo lamang...

pagbabago... pagtahak sa landas ng buhay... wala nang iba... hindi maiiwasan o matatakasan... kailangang magpatuloy ang paglalakbay.

tara na! sabay tayo...

Do I Make You Proud?

By: Taylor Hicks

I never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me
And now that's who I am
Because of you
I am standing tall

And my heart is full
Of endless gratitude
You were the one
The one to guide me through
Now I can see
And I believe
It's only just beginning

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
I'm stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud?

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you
Do I make you proud?

I'm stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?

mahal kita, aking Ama

dakila po Kayo...
kaya't maraming salamat po

for leading me this far
to and with him...

for the honor of being blessed
with such a bliss

for both the wisdom and romance
of and in this experience

for all intimacy, joy and peace
that only comes from YOU

for love and life
in, with and from YOU

sa Inyo po lamang ako at kami
at ang lahat ng ito!

dakila po Kayo...
at maraming salamat po

for the conspiracy
of the triune You!

(when everything is said and done
in the final analysis of things
only this remains
only this truth...)

one historic moment

Ultimate Goals

1. greater impact/more effective/more strategic roles for God's greatest glory
2. building each other towards Christlikeness

Intermediate Goals

1. to know what God wants us to be and to do together to achieve the ultimate goal number 1
2. to be closer to God, loving Him above all, being more God-centered, and knowing each other deeper in those contexts

Present Realities

1. we have been doing our own roles
2. we know the basics, we have struggles/bad attitudes

Covenant

1. pray
2. update and communicate
3. grow in openness in our feeling and thinking
4. making mistakes is accepted for the sake of being like Christ
5. try to find mentors (including books) for the growing of our relationships
6. to allow our relationship to be a testimony of God's abounding grace and love for others esp in the community of believers
7. finally, to take things in stride, a journey a day at a time, depending fully on the leading of the Spirit and witnessing grace and love unfolding

(defining realities and directions of the relationship... one extremely sacred path of discipleship or spirituality. that historic moment of 04 june 2006, 16oo hours, at baywalk manila, between you and me.)

when nothing happened as I planned

hi dozing and snoozing you,

by now, you may still be flying thousands of miles up there, snoozing and dozing your lethargy, hehehe... while all i can do is trust that all is well with you.

so is this it? the point of no return... no more turning back...

i don't know what to say and how to feel... so many things are slowly coming down my senses, sinking in and hopefully taking deep roots in my heart and soul. things that are true, pure, good, beautiful, lovely... things that are not just to and from the self, but more so, beyond! things that do not only belong to the here and now, nor any temporary timeline, but those that are real endless and timeless.

thank you for that openness and grace as i started to learn to share my emotions to you last night. yeah, this is just getting so real to me, each moment that passes by. no other words to call it except undeserved 'grace' and unexpected 'miracle.'

Let God be God!

it seems that overnight, i'm suddenly a new person, with a new identity, with a changed heart, a new believer! a believer of love, enjoying each experience, embracing its mysteries, confronting the great unknown, taking courage at hand and nothing else... after some time of extreme struggle and long waiting the season of trusting and believing has come, as i join you in this journey, a man of and from God, praying that you will remain to be after His own heart!

all i can say now, is that God is good... He is funny at times, though. But His ways are definitely not ours. hayy, i am still so surprised at the many unfolding of events. nothing happened as i planned. yet, i believe that i did what He alone wanted and i went where He alone led me into... may all these unfold for Him, for His sake, in His time.

below are the things that you requested... you may choose to put a general title to it, hehehe

please behave well and take care... just eat healthy food, hehehe... and study well. make sure you befriend others, too.

~meeh

my baby

you may call me
whatever you want to

just never thought that
this experience would be
such a miracle

even as I realize
where such joy, peace
and love in my heart
come, but from Him
alone!

I am really starting
to miss you a lot
yet, i know that
i will be well
in His hands

thank you
for the honor of this
journey with you
especially for
teaching me
to love Him and you!

(had these thoughts while
praying for you tonight...
simply saying clearly that
this is all about and for
the King!
Ingat ka palagi... paalam!
don't cry, my baby...
we'll see each other again
soon, in His perfect time.
you said it, that this is
good for us, this separation
to strengthen our resolve
our relationship and
our endurance!)

fast car

Tracy Chapman
100 Hit Lyrics. Gürol CANBEK (gcanbek@hotmail.com) , 2000-2001 http://go.to/gurol

You got a fast car; I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal; maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better; Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something, But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car, and I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store, managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far, Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs, and finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem, He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working, I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him, She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him, So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision; we leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car, and we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job, and I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better, You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter, Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

You got a fast car, and I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar, See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better, Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere, So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car, but is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision; you leave tonight or live and die this way

ctu n la

ayan, nasa ctu na tayo...

24 stands for the longest 24 hours or day in the life of people looking after the national security of a nation. since limang seasons ito so far, then it means, limang araw pa lang ito as documented by ctu, hehehe...

top 10 na gusto ko sa 24

1. very intellectually stimulating - mahirap mahulaan ang plot and story, pero siguradong magugustuhan mo

2. mas madrama ang life ng mga casts, kaya hindi boring, unlike 'alias'

3. hindi limiting ang ways ni jack, his goals are clear and focused so he delivers, di siya nawawalan ng options to resolve the issues at hand

4. madaming good reflections on leadership styles nina palmer, keeler, logan, buchanan at madami pang iba...

5. palagi akong napapa-reflect sa reality that the real decisions are done when one is under much stressful and critical life-and-death situations, real decisions that are clearly reflecting the self

6. good venue to get to know the outcasts and unpopular as they come in the forms of marginalized or evil terrorists, who are, definitely, not misrepresented

7. mas madami at magkakaiba ang characters na pwedeng magturo ng maraming bagay sa iyo

8. mejo all of life ang pag-reveal at pag-build ng concerns ng mga casts - family dynamics, cultural, political, economics, etc.

9. mabilis ang mga pangyayari

10. madaming kingdom values

mas malawak na reflections later on...

season 5!

bakit kailangang pumasok sa eksena ang mga intsik?

marahil ay dahil naubos na nilang mailantad ang lahat na maaaring maging kaaway ng kanilang kapangyarihan at maging panganib sa pangkalahatang seguridad...

simula sa mga assassins, sa mga muslim na terorista, sa mga komunistang ruso, at maging sa mga kaaway sa loob ng kapangyarihan...

syempre pa, eh dapat me bago. kaya naman, pumasok na sa eksena ang mga intsik ngayong season 6! waahhh...

if you know what i am talking about, then we are friends!

frends at klasmeyts tayo sa klasrum na sikat sa tawag na bente kwarto. o di ba, titsers natin sina chloe, tony, bill, audrey, kim, michelle, nina, chase, david palmer, mike novick, aaron, john keeler, charles logan, curtis at syempre pa si JACK bauer kasama ng mga terorista...

at ang laboratory natin ay ang ctu la, waaahhh!

but seriously, i am into tracing some motiffs of deep leadership characters and vocational calling in this series. for those who are going through some life or mid-life transitions, hmmm, this is something really worth looking into...

itutuloy po...