Two Men

Today I let go of two good men in my life. One to God where he rightly belongs. The other one to the girl of his dream.

So this is how letting go feels – in oblivion, in daze, like a dream. Maybe close to denial. I hope this is not happening.

And what does it mean? Another denial but that to self. A death to self. The path to selflessness. Maybe close to dreaming and hoping for the best not of the self anymore but the other person. Respecting their choices, honoring God’s best for them. The path they have chosen, the path He had revealed.

So goodbye *Hassan, my dear friend and soulmate. Goodbye *Laam, my dear brother and friend.

Can there be love in letting go? Or is it the path of loving itself, to let go?

What I know is that I have loved, is loving and will love some more that is why I’m letting go.

What's Next? Crossing the Bridge When There Is One...

*a nom de plume

When You Say You Love Me

Like the sound of silence calling
I hear your voice and suddenly I’m falling
Lost in a dream
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting
You say those words, my heart stops beating
I wonder what it means
What could it be that comes over me
At times I can’t move
At times I can’t hardly breathe

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and

When you say you love me
For a moment, there’s no one else alive

You’re the one I’ve always thought of
I don’t know how but I feel sheltered in your love
You’re where I belong
And when you’re with me if I close my eyes
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time
Somewhere between
The heavens and earth
I’m frozen in time
Oh when you say those words

When you say you love me
The world goes still so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there’s no one else alive

And this journey that we’re on
How far we’ve come and I
Celebrate every moment
When you say you love me
That’s all you have to say
I’ll always feel this way

When you say you love me
The world goes still so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment, I know why I’m alive

When you say you love me
Do you know how I love you

(by Josh Groban)

I know full well of that which I speak of.

Falling in love
Feeling so alive
Coming out so uncertain
Things beyond understanding

Standing somewhere between living and dying
The ecstacy of something so unfamiliar
Why am I feeling this way
Where is this coming from

Something not part of the common
But something that feels so good
Is there something wrong with me
Must I linger in this state

Is this wrong or right
Where is this coming from
Is this from you, Oh God
Is this part of the shaking

Or is this something from you
So good and so natural
Which everyone has to go through
To receive and to give

Trust, yield
Hold on to it
Enjoy, be grateful
Give and receive

Share it, express it
Let it out of your system
C'mon girl, let it go
It is worth it

The only regret there is
Is by not receiving it
Denying and keeping
What must be enjoyed and shared

This is from the Lord
This is a gift, an honor
A mystery in itself
A joyful anticipation

A birthing and rebirth
A dying over and over
A hopeful resurrection
Life

Unrequited or not
This is hope
Life

Seed falling to the ground
To die
So that there is
Life

To give birth
To more life
To give
And die again

The cycle goes on

I choose love
Life
I choose love
Him

Thank you for your
Love
Thank you for your
Life

I choose you
I choose us
I choose hope
I choose life

I love you!

(This is what I mean when I say, I love you. And I will never stop loving you no matter how costly it is. I want to choose life.)

This is a necessity
Purging
Cleansing
Death

There is no other way
To life
But this

Darkness
obliterated
Pruning
Withered branches

Circumstantial connivance

I feel so much for you that I am not ashamed to unveil. Is this selfishness? Naye, I pray.

So it seems, I’ve been saying the same thing all over again. The push and pull. Asking and yielding.

You know full well how much I’ve recognized and so uttered that I’ve found myself in him. That some people call it ‘finding the soulmate.’ Yet there can be many of them. Maybe. It just seems to me, though, that he is the closest and dearest. Well, I wouldn’t know much having the night as young. Nonetheless, the here and now says, I like him. Can it be him. I’ve requested for him. I’ve prayed hard for him.

But you know best. That’s what pulls me otherwise. That I ought to yield to your sovereignty, your all-knowing heart. And simply because I’m scared to death to disobey and be out of your heart. That is an unbearable thought!

So is it a no? a never? Or a not yet?

I need articulation. Definition. Thinking over. My way of facing and coping. So as not to run away. Is this a confirmation of a gift. That an internalist or introvertive me has this natural gift of expression.

This normally is reserved just for the sacred being, the deepest secret and convictions which are hard to grasp.

Am I speaking Greek to the Romans? Is this something unusual and unnecessary?

Relentless Anguish

Reflection on John 20: 11-18

“Mary pleaded, ‘If only I could see his body. If only I could take it with me. Please, have mercy!’” Such was her longing. So deep, so intense, so sincere. Even just to see the body of the one she loves. The one who calls her by name. The one whom she thought to be the king reigning. The one whom she hoped to be Messiah, the one who will free them from the deep and hard shackles of political and economic oppression of the government.

My own journey has been a series of longing to see the Lord, to take Him with me wherever I go and whatever I do. It has been a cycle of extreme yearning for the salvation of my country as well. Where is the Lord who will deliver me and my country from the many forms of oppression and greed of the powers that be? But many times, like Mary, I have been looking for Him in wrong places, with my own eyes, in my own efforts. No wonder, my soul was in relentless anguish.

Good intentions, deep longings, sincere yearnings were not enough.

When Mary finally paid attention, the voice was clear. Someone was there with her. Someone was asking what her anguish was all about. Someone was calling her by name. Someone familiar, the one she loves. The one she longs to touch. He is there, watching her, waiting to be noticed.

If only the stones can speak. If only the stones have eyes to see and ears to hear. Of only the stones can tell of such a glorious moment, such a glorious absence of the body on the tomb, such a glorious coming home and reunion of the lover and the beloved. Mary finally saw the Lord, flesh and blood, body and soul… so alive… calling her by name. He was there, so close, all along.

Have you paid close attention to be able to see Him? Or are you still looking for Him in the wrong places? The tomb was empty. He isn’t there anymore. He has risen! He is with us! He knows full well our relentless anguish. In fact, He meets us there.

Are we in deep relentless anguish for the absence of God? Is our love able to lead us to such a relentless anguish for our land and people?

Now boldly declaring among the disciples, Mary asserted, “I have seen the Lord.” And I responded, “I have seen the Lord, too. In my anguish, I found Him. In fact, He saw me first. And I know that He will always see me first.”

suffering

‘All things good and beautiful…’

I have yet to find someone who loves suffering. Someone who can say that suffering is well and good, an accepted and desired landscape of life. Someone who has embraced suffering to be able to find so much beauty, purpose, and meaning in it.

To be able to say...

‘Life is hard… really hard!’
Life is hard… because I suffered!
Life is beautiful… despite the suffering!
Life is beautiful… in the midst of suffering!
Life is beautiful… because I have suffered much!

'No snail crosses a garden path without leaving a trail to mark its passing; a testament made silver by the light of the sun.'
~ Mike Riddell

Legolas: On Friendship, Loyalty and Love

I liked him so much. Not only was he so cleanly good looking, appealing and pleasing to the eye but his eyes tell more than what the eye can meet. Gazing deep into his eyes one cannot miss such sincerity of the heart. And getting deeper into his countenance, you would feel his loyalty and love which no kind and level of chaos and difficulty could destroy.

Legolas talks of purity. The purity that I share right now. Eden no malice please! It is the purity of innocence, a gift from Heaven! Such innocent love, innocent emotions, innocent feeling. It is such purity, purity of motive, purity of heart, purity of will, purity of spirit.

This also means, first time. The many first time of growing meaningful relationships and friendships.

... unfinished!

Hero: A Story with So Much Brain and Heart

I went on to watch again the type of the film that I sacredly value so much so that it requires me to watch in the sacredness of my aloneness. This is the kind of film that pulls me to not only digest its content but keep the sacredness of its meaning in my journey in this life with God. This adds now to the types of classic that truly captures my heart. Yes, like my other favorites:
The Braveheart
Schindler’s List
The Lord of the Rings (trilogy)
The Crouching Tiger
The Touch
The Road Home
Dangerous Beauty
Jude the Obscure
The Prince of Egypt

Movies like these would really require me not just to watch them many times but if possible to watch them in the sacredness of my very own self. Being with my alone self, gives me more space to reflect and listen more and maybe, cry more with all my heart!

“Hero” showed me the way of God. That in each one of us lies such longing to see and live beyond the anger and chaos of the world around us. This sense of transcendence is a path so difficult and elusive in this lifetime that many lives need to be ‘wasted’ in the process of pursuing it, to the point of loosing ones own life.

The entire goal and process of pursuing such pure heart points directly to the existence of God. Only God can grant us such higher longing, desiring and calling. In the movie, it was shown both in the arts of swordmanship and calligraphy. These disciplines together with music point to a common principle that once uncovered leads to the purest sense of living and loving. It is a choice of life upon death, a real heroism amidst a crime.

If I was struck by the reality of God and man’s response to Him in “The Touch”, the “Hero” points me blatantly to man’s hunger for meaning, for God and His peace, shown in his response and the necessity to transcend beyond the ordinariness of his own weakness, failure and sinfulness.

These realizations unabashedly brought me to tears and a deep touchdown to my senses and present longings in life. There is something more, I know, somewhere within me that needs expressing. Such deep hunger for more meaning and life than what I assume to have. Such deep desires and longing for more -beyond what I see, feel, know and experience. Such deep intimacy and love for life and its meaning.

The story was so powerful that martial arts, swordmanship, calligraphy and music were simply the conduits ushering to that sacred end, that which is ultimate! All these, cloaked inside the weaving saga of wit, valor, honor and love!


“A healthy life is not living with the regrets of the past or the worries of the future but living with the present moment – wisely and passionately.” ~Buddha