too many mistakes, too many failures.
countless pains both here and there.
weaknesses, oh, weaknesses.
abounding.
six words...
only if they could capture.
but, oh, so they can.
from pain to truth.
from passion to wisdom.
from a rich experience, a rich encounter. within and without the self.
greg's six words...
so clear, resounding!
truth, oh, the truth!
and it will set you free.
so loud, so resounding!
wisdom, oh, wisdom!
from failures and mistakes.
dreaded past
hated self
but there simply is
no other way
no other way
than this...
he's just not that into you!
(thanks greg, but it sure is liberating. it sure is the way... the only way to freedom. accepting the painful truth. right at your face. thanks oprah for the courage.)
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
casting crown's
Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are
*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours
Who am I
That the eyes that seek my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I
That the voice that calm the sea
Would call on through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are
*
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Coz I am Yours
random thoughts
... been so greatly affected by this song since day one.
... been thinking about who God really is if even my identity is anchored and depended on his being.
... so unthinkable, so unbelievable!
... yet, so comforting, so refreshing!
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are
*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours
Who am I
That the eyes that seek my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I
That the voice that calm the sea
Would call on through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are
*
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Coz I am Yours
random thoughts
... been so greatly affected by this song since day one.
... been thinking about who God really is if even my identity is anchored and depended on his being.
... so unthinkable, so unbelievable!
... yet, so comforting, so refreshing!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
learning...
to live with contentment-discontentment.
contentment in discontentment
discontentment in contentment
the former to things that are really not well, at least not yet or will never will.
the latter to things of substandard and superficiality. even to inferiority and being lax.
contentment in discontentment
discontentment in contentment
the former to things that are really not well, at least not yet or will never will.
the latter to things of substandard and superficiality. even to inferiority and being lax.
The Great Iconoclast by Betsy Childs
06/21/05
The word "iconoclast" originally meant someone who destroys religious images. Iconoclasm reached its height in the eighth and ninth centuries when religious icons were highly controversial; the practice also became commonplace following the Reformation. In recent centuries, however, the word "iconoclast" has come to connote one who destroys ideas. Any person who displays revolutionary or countercultural thinking is liable to be labeled an iconoclast.
In July of 1960, C. S. Lewis watched his wife die of cancer. A year later, Lewis, under a pseudonym, published an account of his struggles with grief. The book A Grief Observed (which quickly came to be recognized as Lewis's own work) is a raw and heart-wrenching monologue. In it, Lewis expresses the feeling that God is ruthlessly destroying any of Lewis's preconceived notions of who God should be. Lewis recognizes that his own idea of God had become a "graven image," one that he himself fashioned and expected to remain motionless. He writes, "Images, I must suppose, have their use or they would not have been so popular. (It makes little difference whether they are pictures or statues outside the mind or imaginative constructions within it.) To me, however, their danger is more obvious. Images of the Holy easily become holy images-sacrosanct. My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of his presence? The incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all previous ideas of the Messiah in ruins. And most are 'offended' by the iconoclasm; and blessed are those who are not."(1)
It is inescapable that we will latch onto images of God; in fact, that is the way our finite minds work when attempting to grasp the infinite. Our view of God is often heavily influenced by our parents and role models. It may also be influenced by the advantages or disadvantages we have had, as well as every other significant life experience.
One's idea of God is always changing. God himself does not change but remains the same yesterday, today, and forever. In contrast, the believer's idea of God always falls short of the truth and must be continually toppled with the aim that it be rebuilt and come closer to the truth. As Lewis discovered, pain is frequently the instrument God uses to remind us that our "idea of God is not a divine idea."
Has your pain shattered your view of God? It requires desperate faith, such as the faith Lewis demonstrated, to believe that God has not departed and left us in pain, but is instead refashioning our impressions of who He is. God does not shatter our ideas of Him gleefully as a spoiled child ruining another's sand castle. Instead, he lovingly wrenches from us the false gods we cling to so that we can have the real thing. Scottish theologian Samuel Rutherford was known to remark that when cast into the cellars of affliction, he was reminded that this is where the great King keeps his wine.(2) The redeeming purpose of suffering in life is that it may send us into the arms of our maker.
Do you want to know God as He is, or as you would like Him to be? I have a hard time honestly answering that question. I find myself clinging to the idea that God will make me always comfortable because He doesn't want me to feel pain. I might as well think that water was created to fill swimming pools, and has nothing to do with quenching my thirst or washing me clean.
(1) A Grief Observed (Faber and Faber, 1964). (2) Quoted by John Piper in Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1996), 222.
The word "iconoclast" originally meant someone who destroys religious images. Iconoclasm reached its height in the eighth and ninth centuries when religious icons were highly controversial; the practice also became commonplace following the Reformation. In recent centuries, however, the word "iconoclast" has come to connote one who destroys ideas. Any person who displays revolutionary or countercultural thinking is liable to be labeled an iconoclast.
In July of 1960, C. S. Lewis watched his wife die of cancer. A year later, Lewis, under a pseudonym, published an account of his struggles with grief. The book A Grief Observed (which quickly came to be recognized as Lewis's own work) is a raw and heart-wrenching monologue. In it, Lewis expresses the feeling that God is ruthlessly destroying any of Lewis's preconceived notions of who God should be. Lewis recognizes that his own idea of God had become a "graven image," one that he himself fashioned and expected to remain motionless. He writes, "Images, I must suppose, have their use or they would not have been so popular. (It makes little difference whether they are pictures or statues outside the mind or imaginative constructions within it.) To me, however, their danger is more obvious. Images of the Holy easily become holy images-sacrosanct. My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of his presence? The incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all previous ideas of the Messiah in ruins. And most are 'offended' by the iconoclasm; and blessed are those who are not."(1)
It is inescapable that we will latch onto images of God; in fact, that is the way our finite minds work when attempting to grasp the infinite. Our view of God is often heavily influenced by our parents and role models. It may also be influenced by the advantages or disadvantages we have had, as well as every other significant life experience.
One's idea of God is always changing. God himself does not change but remains the same yesterday, today, and forever. In contrast, the believer's idea of God always falls short of the truth and must be continually toppled with the aim that it be rebuilt and come closer to the truth. As Lewis discovered, pain is frequently the instrument God uses to remind us that our "idea of God is not a divine idea."
Has your pain shattered your view of God? It requires desperate faith, such as the faith Lewis demonstrated, to believe that God has not departed and left us in pain, but is instead refashioning our impressions of who He is. God does not shatter our ideas of Him gleefully as a spoiled child ruining another's sand castle. Instead, he lovingly wrenches from us the false gods we cling to so that we can have the real thing. Scottish theologian Samuel Rutherford was known to remark that when cast into the cellars of affliction, he was reminded that this is where the great King keeps his wine.(2) The redeeming purpose of suffering in life is that it may send us into the arms of our maker.
Do you want to know God as He is, or as you would like Him to be? I have a hard time honestly answering that question. I find myself clinging to the idea that God will make me always comfortable because He doesn't want me to feel pain. I might as well think that water was created to fill swimming pools, and has nothing to do with quenching my thirst or washing me clean.
(1) A Grief Observed (Faber and Faber, 1964). (2) Quoted by John Piper in Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1996), 222.
Friday, September 09, 2005
surprised by joy!
cs lewis said this when he attempted to describe his encounter with (or was it, he was encountered by?) his Creator... yes, that's all we can afford to do, but attempt! words are insufficient to fully grasp, more so comprehend such encounter and encounters. words are handicap in many ways.
yet, attempt we can, so attempt we must. attempt is all i can do now. yes, surprised by joy! such unspeakable joy.
moment one was when noel, one fingerprint in my hat as a teacher/coach, called to discuss once again some dissonance in his current journey as a law student. good thing, he missed his usual call time of 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. yeah, just the wee hours of the morning. when the nocturnal republic is up and about.
anywayz, ayun... mga bandang alas otso, nagsumbong na naman siya dahil nababagabag daw siya sa kaguluhan sa ating bansa! wow!!! and that his disturbance prompts him to take action, to participate in the on-going cry of the people for change... for a better country... siyempre, he started with asking my readings of the time and how am i responding as a filipino christian. wow, hanep! siyempre, ambush yun. pero okay lang as i was more than glad to also share my own struggles and disturbances.
what struck me most was when he started sharing about his convictions and thoughts. he is one ideal youth that this land needs. he is one with dreams, good dreams for this land and its people. in fact, he wanna start it with their kasambahay, with his parents, then his classmates. he listened to the sentiments of their kasambahay against the abuses of the gov't towards the economically challenged like her. his heart is broken for them. so he prodded his parents to join him at edsa tres. then this time, he is asking his classmates to join him in a secret org to fights for a change in the land through writing... just like the la liga or the la solidaridad!!! dream on, noel...
we had a little argument at the end as i attempted to also allow him to see both sides well, as he has the tendency, too, (just like anyone of us) to be one-sided, too much leaning on one part alone of the two-faced-coin-reality. too much passion and conviction can be blinding at times, as we normally experience. his contention at times would look like pgma is too dirty while the rest of the celebrated united oppositions are too clean and truly untouchables.
but the reality is that we really have a crisis in leadership. this is where we started to grasp the bottomline. we lack real men and women with integrity and strong political resolve as leaders. we lack real statesmen who has a track record of good public service. we are in a crisis of leaders like ninoy aquino, romulo and recto of the early philippine republic, and maybe the likes of magsaysay and rizal. had it not been for this, we would have had a better resolve at the moment. no political system is too inefficient and corrupt to a leader of strong political resolve and integrity!
moment two was when i aciidentally bumped into dennis' well trodden path. he is another fingerprint in my teaching/coaching hat way back in the faraway kingdom of hills and rivers. my saint anthony years were truly colorful imprints in my heart. he's reviewing still at UP in between the bar exams this whole month. (tama ba yun?) at me kasama pa siyang friend, si marivic.
oh well, mukhang matanda na nga akong talaga, hehehe... yet, again, it's worth it. masaya, no, more than that ang feeling ko. reconnecting with him is nostalgic. grabe. we seem unable to simply let go of our past. there is always a part of us that fails and rejects to let go. lingering with the past is such an incurable disease of the heart and mind. a romance with the past is one bad habit. or was it an amnesia of the soul?
we talked about life in the saint anthony republic and the nearby kingdoms. we talked about our own lives now, decisions done, decisions to be made, hopes and dreams, mistakes committed, relationships, family. we also spend some limited leisure time on people and events. and all in all, we were inspired! we're both looking forward to meeting again with the rest of the gang here in peyups for one.
i was inspired. i was surprised. i was overjoyed.
i am excited. i am recharged. i am emotionally satisfied. it is well with my soul... amen!
yet, attempt we can, so attempt we must. attempt is all i can do now. yes, surprised by joy! such unspeakable joy.
moment one was when noel, one fingerprint in my hat as a teacher/coach, called to discuss once again some dissonance in his current journey as a law student. good thing, he missed his usual call time of 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. yeah, just the wee hours of the morning. when the nocturnal republic is up and about.
anywayz, ayun... mga bandang alas otso, nagsumbong na naman siya dahil nababagabag daw siya sa kaguluhan sa ating bansa! wow!!! and that his disturbance prompts him to take action, to participate in the on-going cry of the people for change... for a better country... siyempre, he started with asking my readings of the time and how am i responding as a filipino christian. wow, hanep! siyempre, ambush yun. pero okay lang as i was more than glad to also share my own struggles and disturbances.
what struck me most was when he started sharing about his convictions and thoughts. he is one ideal youth that this land needs. he is one with dreams, good dreams for this land and its people. in fact, he wanna start it with their kasambahay, with his parents, then his classmates. he listened to the sentiments of their kasambahay against the abuses of the gov't towards the economically challenged like her. his heart is broken for them. so he prodded his parents to join him at edsa tres. then this time, he is asking his classmates to join him in a secret org to fights for a change in the land through writing... just like the la liga or the la solidaridad!!! dream on, noel...
we had a little argument at the end as i attempted to also allow him to see both sides well, as he has the tendency, too, (just like anyone of us) to be one-sided, too much leaning on one part alone of the two-faced-coin-reality. too much passion and conviction can be blinding at times, as we normally experience. his contention at times would look like pgma is too dirty while the rest of the celebrated united oppositions are too clean and truly untouchables.
but the reality is that we really have a crisis in leadership. this is where we started to grasp the bottomline. we lack real men and women with integrity and strong political resolve as leaders. we lack real statesmen who has a track record of good public service. we are in a crisis of leaders like ninoy aquino, romulo and recto of the early philippine republic, and maybe the likes of magsaysay and rizal. had it not been for this, we would have had a better resolve at the moment. no political system is too inefficient and corrupt to a leader of strong political resolve and integrity!
moment two was when i aciidentally bumped into dennis' well trodden path. he is another fingerprint in my teaching/coaching hat way back in the faraway kingdom of hills and rivers. my saint anthony years were truly colorful imprints in my heart. he's reviewing still at UP in between the bar exams this whole month. (tama ba yun?) at me kasama pa siyang friend, si marivic.
oh well, mukhang matanda na nga akong talaga, hehehe... yet, again, it's worth it. masaya, no, more than that ang feeling ko. reconnecting with him is nostalgic. grabe. we seem unable to simply let go of our past. there is always a part of us that fails and rejects to let go. lingering with the past is such an incurable disease of the heart and mind. a romance with the past is one bad habit. or was it an amnesia of the soul?
we talked about life in the saint anthony republic and the nearby kingdoms. we talked about our own lives now, decisions done, decisions to be made, hopes and dreams, mistakes committed, relationships, family. we also spend some limited leisure time on people and events. and all in all, we were inspired! we're both looking forward to meeting again with the rest of the gang here in peyups for one.
i was inspired. i was surprised. i was overjoyed.
i am excited. i am recharged. i am emotionally satisfied. it is well with my soul... amen!
ramrag na naman...
ramrag na naman basang pero puno pa ko sa ibang pagmate... magkaibang kaogmahan, excitement saka paglaom.
i had a very great day, generally. so many unexpected things happen but they are mostly pleasant ones. the budget hearing that i somehow dreaded, went on smoothly. i was grateful for the confidence and wisdom that i felt while doing the presentation. the deliberation went a bit longer than expected. many things were pointed out by the national director and they truly came across the team's attentive ears. i am grateful, too, for the support of my teammates though not everyone was around due to valid reasons. so, our budget was approved without much revision or chopping off, aka cost cutting schemes. i somehow affirm myself for that new ability to plan realistically while keeping our dreams in and for the team, intact. wow, at least, all our efforts (esp. to mention my sleepless nights) paid off. it was worth it! really... it becomes a reason for celebration!!! yey!!!
but, of course, the journey is not over yet, not even halfway. it is just beginning. the implementation process starts esp. in terms of raising those funds... we have a long way to go. but, again, thanks to the rdd for the support in all areas of fundraising and sustainable resource development and management. hmmm... speaking of self-sufficiency.
yet, i believe that somewhere in between, the Lord still calls us to a full dependence on Him in all things. i still would like to commit as i declare that in Him de we put our trust again and again, no matter what! may His favor rest upon us! again and again...
kaya ngowan na ramrag, gusto ko pa nanggad silngan ana bagong aldow, ana bagong paglaom... lalong nagraraom na pagtubod sa Diyos lamang!
i had a very great day, generally. so many unexpected things happen but they are mostly pleasant ones. the budget hearing that i somehow dreaded, went on smoothly. i was grateful for the confidence and wisdom that i felt while doing the presentation. the deliberation went a bit longer than expected. many things were pointed out by the national director and they truly came across the team's attentive ears. i am grateful, too, for the support of my teammates though not everyone was around due to valid reasons. so, our budget was approved without much revision or chopping off, aka cost cutting schemes. i somehow affirm myself for that new ability to plan realistically while keeping our dreams in and for the team, intact. wow, at least, all our efforts (esp. to mention my sleepless nights) paid off. it was worth it! really... it becomes a reason for celebration!!! yey!!!
but, of course, the journey is not over yet, not even halfway. it is just beginning. the implementation process starts esp. in terms of raising those funds... we have a long way to go. but, again, thanks to the rdd for the support in all areas of fundraising and sustainable resource development and management. hmmm... speaking of self-sufficiency.
yet, i believe that somewhere in between, the Lord still calls us to a full dependence on Him in all things. i still would like to commit as i declare that in Him de we put our trust again and again, no matter what! may His favor rest upon us! again and again...
kaya ngowan na ramrag, gusto ko pa nanggad silngan ana bagong aldow, ana bagong paglaom... lalong nagraraom na pagtubod sa Diyos lamang!
m instincts
nangalas raw ako saigo ngowan na aldow na adi. ta sa unang pagkakataon agko ko weird-ong namatean ngowan. habang nag-aagi ko sa molave pauli sa anislag, bigla na lang na namatean kong parang gusto kong maging usad na kag-igin. ana baoy ko kan ngowan ay m instinct para sa pagiging usad na babayeng kag-igin. siyempre gusto kong purbaran na ipaliwanag ana mga bagay bagay sa usipon ko poon ko igin pa ko. usipon na itinuturo kana mga kag-igin namo.
amo, kag-igin namo.
so balik kita kanako. hmmm... gusto kong ispelingon adtong pagmate ko. parang pagmate iya na gusto kong magpadakulo na sa igin, maging puno ana buhay para sa kanya, iya na kakabit kana sadiri kong buhay, iya na magiging responsibilidad ko, na migtuturo kanako kana importansya, gayon saka kararuman kana buhay... iya na mig rason kanako, mig-unga sa mga unga sa buhay, adtong mga arararom na unga, usad gayod na matalinong igin.
hayyy... iya na mabubutan ko saigo, iya na migtuturo kanako kana pagkaboot na dalisay, pagkaboot na dayupot. usad na igin na mig-gakos na dayupot, mig-puno kana buhay ko sa ibang paagi, usad na paaging uda kapaliwanagan. usad na paagi na miteryoso pero maugma, matiwasay, malang gayon!
amo, kag-igin namo.
so balik kita kanako. hmmm... gusto kong ispelingon adtong pagmate ko. parang pagmate iya na gusto kong magpadakulo na sa igin, maging puno ana buhay para sa kanya, iya na kakabit kana sadiri kong buhay, iya na magiging responsibilidad ko, na migtuturo kanako kana importansya, gayon saka kararuman kana buhay... iya na mig rason kanako, mig-unga sa mga unga sa buhay, adtong mga arararom na unga, usad gayod na matalinong igin.
hayyy... iya na mabubutan ko saigo, iya na migtuturo kanako kana pagkaboot na dalisay, pagkaboot na dayupot. usad na igin na mig-gakos na dayupot, mig-puno kana buhay ko sa ibang paagi, usad na paaging uda kapaliwanagan. usad na paagi na miteryoso pero maugma, matiwasay, malang gayon!
siyempre, napaunga lugod ako sa kin isay ana magiging kag-igin niyang lalaki. sana magkabayadan na kami o para mas matuod, sana mabayad nako niya... pero baka nabayad nako niya kadto pa. kaya siguro iba ana dapat na pamibi. sana magdesisyon naya. tawan lugod iya kana Diyos sa kusog-buot, sarig sa pagtubod saka determinasyon sa buhay. ako man sa usad na banda, namimibing magka-agko katiwasayan saka katuninungan ana buhay, puno sa pagtubod lalo na sa oras na dapat naman akong mag-gibo sa desisyon.
hmmm... dipisil palan magpaliwanag kana sadiri sa sadiring usipon. dipisil palan ana pag-isplikar kana puso mo sa arong kading paagi. doble ana sakit ta ana puso saka usipon ana mga iniisip pang sabay. pero di bale, salamat sa Diyos ta nakaraos man nanggad ako ngowan dawa isi kong nagpupuon pa lang ana usad na parte kana agi-agi ko sa buhay. usad na parte na nagpupuon pa sana, pero matuod saka reyalidad.
para sa usad pang reyalidad - nagluto palan ako ngowan sa inubasan na katnga. mejo arayo paya kumpara sa standard ni mama pero medyo okay naman adto ta pwede ng kaunon saka masiram man kuno. nasubrahan ko lang sa libas. di bale pwede pa man adtong maresolbiran. sige... padagos kita kana mga agi-agi ta sa buhay na adi na puno sa paglaom saka sa pagtubod.
salamat sa Diyos! Diyos mabalos...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
all i need
been blabbing this song for quite some time now. though not sure who did this. but heard that it's side A, or was it a revival?
all i need is just a little more time to be sure what i feel
is it all in my mind 'coz it seems so hard to believe
that you're all i need
(tama kaya ang lyrics ko?) whatever...
mind over matter or matter over mind? feelings. thoughts. are all but one and the same. coming from the same set of brain and energy. yet, so complex, intricate, multifaceted. so precious.
believing. faith. making sure. the easiest resolve in this world. yet, so hard to do, to live out, to hang on to. not without endurance. not without perseverance. not without a depth in spirit. for it to endure until the end.
time. needed. demanded. but never can be owned. still loaned to man. still a gift.
you. you are all that i need. interdependence. community. communication. declaration.
you. you are all that i need. coming together. building something. loving & living. precious. mysterious.
a declaration beyond self. going out of the comfort zone. being selfless. boundless. connecting.
love. you. how can it ever be?
all i need is just a little more time to be sure what i feel
is it all in my mind 'coz it seems so hard to believe
that you're all i need
(tama kaya ang lyrics ko?) whatever...
mind over matter or matter over mind? feelings. thoughts. are all but one and the same. coming from the same set of brain and energy. yet, so complex, intricate, multifaceted. so precious.
believing. faith. making sure. the easiest resolve in this world. yet, so hard to do, to live out, to hang on to. not without endurance. not without perseverance. not without a depth in spirit. for it to endure until the end.
time. needed. demanded. but never can be owned. still loaned to man. still a gift.
you. you are all that i need. interdependence. community. communication. declaration.
you. you are all that i need. coming together. building something. loving & living. precious. mysterious.
a declaration beyond self. going out of the comfort zone. being selfless. boundless. connecting.
love. you. how can it ever be?
the necessity of them all
friends. surprising you with their presence in many forms and shapes. friends both near and far, old and new, young and not so young... and the list can go on. friendster messages, sms, blogs, emails, at your doorstep.
sabbath. rest unexpected due to God-mandated sickness. rest unexpected due to unstructured life and work. this life is a real gift!
granted unspoken prayers. as well as those that aren't yet. too many of them, both... making life so mysteriously wonderful and unexplainably great.
life's just worth all the wait and learnings... all the pains and laughters... all the expected and not expected. those revealed and concealed.
joys. pains. the necessity of them all.
sabbath. rest unexpected due to God-mandated sickness. rest unexpected due to unstructured life and work. this life is a real gift!
granted unspoken prayers. as well as those that aren't yet. too many of them, both... making life so mysteriously wonderful and unexplainably great.
life's just worth all the wait and learnings... all the pains and laughters... all the expected and not expected. those revealed and concealed.
people. ideas. feelings. love.
joys. pains. the necessity of them all.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
relinquishing...
all power. all control. all influence.
giving up. letting go.
how is it to relinquish all forms and sense of self and being? and instead surrender, retreat or withdraw? and instead be quiet and tamed?
this is part of my current state of being. if the state of the nation can be called chaotic, mine is way beyond that. my friends call it an early mid-life syndrome or crisis, maybe, for a lack of better words.
i feel a deep surge of loosing all shapes and colors of my very strong controlling habits. what for? why, oh, why, indeed?
one thing is certain. mine is a story in the making. i am simply an unfinished song. life is a constant drifting from the east to the west, from the north to the south. there is and there will always be a transformation. or is it completion? or perfection?
i am not and will never be in control no matter how hard i keep my rein. this truth remains.
must i, then, muster the attitude of relinquishing? up to what extent can i and i am willing to give up? until when should i let go?
i know not. and i may never know in this lifetime or even in eternity.
but it does not matter. as long as, i know that which really matters. after all, that is what matters most!
giving up. letting go.
how is it to relinquish all forms and sense of self and being? and instead surrender, retreat or withdraw? and instead be quiet and tamed?
this is part of my current state of being. if the state of the nation can be called chaotic, mine is way beyond that. my friends call it an early mid-life syndrome or crisis, maybe, for a lack of better words.
i feel a deep surge of loosing all shapes and colors of my very strong controlling habits. what for? why, oh, why, indeed?
one thing is certain. mine is a story in the making. i am simply an unfinished song. life is a constant drifting from the east to the west, from the north to the south. there is and there will always be a transformation. or is it completion? or perfection?
i am not and will never be in control no matter how hard i keep my rein. this truth remains.
must i, then, muster the attitude of relinquishing? up to what extent can i and i am willing to give up? until when should i let go?
i know not. and i may never know in this lifetime or even in eternity.
but it does not matter. as long as, i know that which really matters. after all, that is what matters most!
mahina at basag
what's wrong with being small? what's wrong with number two? or three?
yet, who wants to be no less than number one? or worse, the last one in the race? or the last place in the exams? everyone is urged to be number one or nothing. yeah, the number one network coverage, the number one senator, the number one student or survivor (as in starstruck!), the number one wife, and the list can go on... and on...
dog eats dog. survival of the fittest. matira ang matibay. convergence. networking. enlarging the territories.
driven society. success-oriented. no-less-than-the-best syndrome.
but what if you found out that there is such a 'call' to be weak and broken? or was it the 'call'? to begin with, the Master's path has been this and no other. all throughout His moment of incarnation, His was a life with utter display of dependence, weakness, brokenness, and worse, death! His was never an unending quest for independence, fame, power, and wealth.
only so that... strength and life can fully be revealed. there seem to be no other way for strength and life than this. there is just no other option. paradox! mystery!
is there a place for a theology of weakness in our society today? how about in the church?
yet, who wants to be no less than number one? or worse, the last one in the race? or the last place in the exams? everyone is urged to be number one or nothing. yeah, the number one network coverage, the number one senator, the number one student or survivor (as in starstruck!), the number one wife, and the list can go on... and on...
dog eats dog. survival of the fittest. matira ang matibay. convergence. networking. enlarging the territories.
driven society. success-oriented. no-less-than-the-best syndrome.
but what if you found out that there is such a 'call' to be weak and broken? or was it the 'call'? to begin with, the Master's path has been this and no other. all throughout His moment of incarnation, His was a life with utter display of dependence, weakness, brokenness, and worse, death! His was never an unending quest for independence, fame, power, and wealth.
only so that... strength and life can fully be revealed. there seem to be no other way for strength and life than this. there is just no other option. paradox! mystery!
is there a place for a theology of weakness in our society today? how about in the church?
Monday, September 05, 2005
most reveals
flat on my face. this refers to one sacred secret in life that i've been discovering over and over again. this seems to be of such great value lest the Creator will not allow me to keep going back to such familiar pattern. yet, the journey each time is always unfamiliar and difficult.
simplicity. the utmost surrender.
surrender. the well trodden path of the humble King.
suffering. the chosen path of obedience by the servant King.
humiliation. the only path to glory.
death. the only way to life.
Him, who is life, can afford to die. He can choose death because He is life, no more, no less.
yet, the call towards the same path, towards the same obedience, towards the same life is the same. to imitate Him and no other.
flat on my face. that will always be a recurring motiff. such never-ending motiff of dying day after day. so that i can see that from glory to glory, He is changing me.
for only in this brokenness can the light be most revealed.
simplicity. the utmost surrender.
surrender. the well trodden path of the humble King.
suffering. the chosen path of obedience by the servant King.
humiliation. the only path to glory.
death. the only way to life.
Him, who is life, can afford to die. He can choose death because He is life, no more, no less.
yet, the call towards the same path, towards the same obedience, towards the same life is the same. to imitate Him and no other.
flat on my face. that will always be a recurring motiff. such never-ending motiff of dying day after day. so that i can see that from glory to glory, He is changing me.
for only in this brokenness can the light be most revealed.
state of being
broken. extreme brokenness. this captures well my current state of being.
restless. sleepless. are just but a few of its symptoms.
it's almost wake up time for many who dared tread the path well traveled at night. as they laid their heads and consciousness still and at rest. unlike them, i'm still up, up and about. restless. sleepless. nothing to awaken, only to sober. nothing to dust in my eye, only to stop. to stop the flowing river of unwanted tears.
why do tears linger? why do mourning stay? why are nights too long?
two theories. two possibilities. there is hope.
can be still a part of that enduring state of painful letting go. or can be a growing sense of a new life, an anticipation. a birthing after a death.
just like a seed which can never give birth to many more seeds if it does not die. a death that must happen before it can even live on its own. a death that is hard, harsh and cruel.
deadly pains.
restless. sleepless. are just but a few of its symptoms.
it's almost wake up time for many who dared tread the path well traveled at night. as they laid their heads and consciousness still and at rest. unlike them, i'm still up, up and about. restless. sleepless. nothing to awaken, only to sober. nothing to dust in my eye, only to stop. to stop the flowing river of unwanted tears.
why do tears linger? why do mourning stay? why are nights too long?
two theories. two possibilities. there is hope.
can be still a part of that enduring state of painful letting go. or can be a growing sense of a new life, an anticipation. a birthing after a death.
just like a seed which can never give birth to many more seeds if it does not die. a death that must happen before it can even live on its own. a death that is hard, harsh and cruel.
deadly pains.
Friday, August 05, 2005
undercover
I am an undercover. I live with two identities which can never be put together. It is either-or, a great divide.
I am an undercover. I live with two identities because of a necessity. Because of a burden never my own. Because of a call bigger than myself.
At one moment I am a student of the Bible. But a few seconds later on, I am called to shift to being a student of the Qur’an.
I am a student. I study with my whole heart and being. But only one changes me deeply. There is only one needed direction and being. There is only one.
It is He who said that He is the way, the truth and the life. No more and no less. But, more of Him and less of me.
My friends are terrified and worried that I might still be seeking the way. I assured them that the One who has called me to the way, the truth and the life is the same One who is calling me to sit and understand the path of the Qur’an, not to seek the truth from, not to find the way from, not to look for life and its meaning from. But only to get a glimpse of the other side of the picture.
The fear of losing myself and my heart in the process is a reality and a challenge. Then, only by an extreme favor can I survive. Only by the favor of the One who has brought me this far. Only by the mercy of the One who set this path for me.
The choice is simple. Obey and be faithful. Or run away and get lost.
(Friday, after an IS 141 inspiring discussion again)
I am an undercover. I live with two identities because of a necessity. Because of a burden never my own. Because of a call bigger than myself.
At one moment I am a student of the Bible. But a few seconds later on, I am called to shift to being a student of the Qur’an.
I am a student. I study with my whole heart and being. But only one changes me deeply. There is only one needed direction and being. There is only one.
It is He who said that He is the way, the truth and the life. No more and no less. But, more of Him and less of me.
My friends are terrified and worried that I might still be seeking the way. I assured them that the One who has called me to the way, the truth and the life is the same One who is calling me to sit and understand the path of the Qur’an, not to seek the truth from, not to find the way from, not to look for life and its meaning from. But only to get a glimpse of the other side of the picture.
The fear of losing myself and my heart in the process is a reality and a challenge. Then, only by an extreme favor can I survive. Only by the favor of the One who has brought me this far. Only by the mercy of the One who set this path for me.
The choice is simple. Obey and be faithful. Or run away and get lost.
(Friday, after an IS 141 inspiring discussion again)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
interruptions
Don’t be misled by your own reflections
It’s either you are so engrossed and in love with the self or that you believe so much in the capacity of the self both from a centered and Creator’s perspective.
Losing the Self
In being so concerned and full of others, looking at the extreme side of serving others, one can easily loose the self.
The Path
The path, sirat, destiny… are they one and the same?
Bad Unity and Good Division
When was the time that division was inevitable therefore necessary? Martin Luther’s time…
When was the time that unity was misleading therefore a painful unnecessity? The Tower of Babel…
Diplomacy
Diplomacy is the art and science of finding a friend in an enemy.
It’s either you are so engrossed and in love with the self or that you believe so much in the capacity of the self both from a centered and Creator’s perspective.
Losing the Self
In being so concerned and full of others, looking at the extreme side of serving others, one can easily loose the self.
The Path
The path, sirat, destiny… are they one and the same?
Bad Unity and Good Division
When was the time that division was inevitable therefore necessary? Martin Luther’s time…
When was the time that unity was misleading therefore a painful unnecessity? The Tower of Babel…
Diplomacy
Diplomacy is the art and science of finding a friend in an enemy.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
random thoughts
On 'The Last Samurai'.
The shame of defeat… no mind, one mind… no understanding…
Something new and old together makes up the beautiful…
Finding the blossom as perfect…
Together, we will let him listen to us…
----
Elizabeth Browning said, ‘how do I love thee, let me count the way...’ but I say, ‘why do I love thee, can I ever count the ways?’
----
When fate tells the inevitable. When the verdict says everything you never dreamt of ever hearing. Just when the impossible and nonexistent suddenly becomes real right at your face. Just when the time for confronting your greatest fear has finally arrived.
Onesimus said it very clearly. What could be harsher than freedom being taken from you? What can be harder than being stripped of your capacity to love and be loved? What can be more inhumane than being separated from your love, your very life? What lies ahead?
The shame of defeat… no mind, one mind… no understanding…
Something new and old together makes up the beautiful…
Finding the blossom as perfect…
Together, we will let him listen to us…
----
Elizabeth Browning said, ‘how do I love thee, let me count the way...’ but I say, ‘why do I love thee, can I ever count the ways?’
----
When fate tells the inevitable. When the verdict says everything you never dreamt of ever hearing. Just when the impossible and nonexistent suddenly becomes real right at your face. Just when the time for confronting your greatest fear has finally arrived.
Onesimus said it very clearly. What could be harsher than freedom being taken from you? What can be harder than being stripped of your capacity to love and be loved? What can be more inhumane than being separated from your love, your very life? What lies ahead?
Monday, May 02, 2005
Separated
They were gripped with such deep sense of being different and set apart from that which is acceptable. They simply are unusual if not fully peculiar. It sprang from that belief of an identity that is separated from the ordinary and familiar. It is that separation of east and west, land and sky, heaven and earth, black and white, good and bad, and nothing else. A separation in all that matters in life here and now, there and then. An all of life difference.
A different worldview is worth looking at to begin with. How about a worldview on music? Music so they thought must be for an ultimate end. An end who is God, an intention that is worship, a form that is song and poetry.
Praise and worship. Quaker worship.
A different worldview is worth looking at to begin with. How about a worldview on music? Music so they thought must be for an ultimate end. An end who is God, an intention that is worship, a form that is song and poetry.
Praise and worship. Quaker worship.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Musings of a Traveler
So they say that life is a journey… a journey of a thousand miles that may have started with a single step as Lao Tzu put it. A journey along many roads and options and that somewhere a fork would require a choice. One that is called as best. One that is seemingly right and good. The path towards the desirable if not the ultimately desired one.
Many roads. Many forks. Too many choices. Too many errors. And not a few are extremely costly if not totally life-threatening.
As usual, I’m on the road again. Walking, striding, at times gliding and going with the flow. But many times, I found myself going against the flow. This is a great time to exercise the soul. Many times, I do run. Run after life and run against the undesirable. This one is truly strenuous to a point of exhausting the very life in me. There are great demands beyond what I can give. That’s why a regular recharging is essential. A regular stopover, maybe a pause to inhale and exhale. A time to ponder on enduring and persevering. A moment to stop and gaze at the flowers. A moment to be grateful for the bees and the butterflies.
There are rocky roads and steep ones. There are the inevitably high climbs and lowest of the lows. And even the valley of the shadow of death. There are the necessary pains and the unavoidable grief. There are mourning and goodbyes. As well as hellos and how-are-yous. There are grave stumble and rising up to go on and stay in the journey.
But there are angels and strangers along the way, too. Helps abound in many forms, sizes, colors and faces. Faces even without names but much the same with big hearts. Hearts that are more significant than the names. But there are those unscrupulous strangers, too. Apparently, they seem to abound more than the angels. Yet, in the end, each encounter is necessary. Each heart and face is part of the landscape. Each experience is nothing more than essential. Ultimately one sees not the necessity of having new landscape, but simply having new eyes to see.
But the only path I’ve found worth the life in me is the path of obedience. The ultimate surrender and life!
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