missing the 'moment' again

writing is a gift. i said so because i can never do without its birth pangs. everytime i would attempt to write, there seems to be something in me that is lost and gone forever. maybe, a certain sacredness. maybe, its conception. its being from within and through me...

on the other hand, i can never write on my own. this means that while i would attempt writing for writing's sake, i would never come up with anything. there is simply nothing to squeeze from within. instead, there is always that need to pull something out of my inside. something which i am never in control of. something which i attribute to my soul and spirit. something which is connected to a source. such a mysterious source. the great Source of all sources.

finally, there is a certain time for writing. there is a certain mood required. i wouldn't know why and how... but it seems that these moods are never my making. they come in the unholiest of the hours, the most unexpected of time and circumstances, in never imagined places. yet, they are critical time, places, and circumstances.

i learned in science that time is of two kinds. one is called the 'chronos' and the other is the 'kairos'. the former is linear, a one after the other, a chronological setting up of time. the latter is something that can be captured at a given unexpected and unpredicted moment. something that expresses a perfect moment of bursting and ripeness. something that is simply perfect for and on that moment. it is not dependent on those moments before or after though can be connected to them. it is what many calls the 'moment in time'... that moment.

my kairos (es) have been hard times. and i feel that i have been disobeying many times. the bursting, birthing or what others call as the 'moment in time' come at lazy times like during midnight when everyone's head is laid to rest or at dawn when i am in the middle of my 'good' sleep. so how can obedience come freely? how easy would it be to obey in these cases?

just early this morning, at around four in the morning, i woke up from a dream where a clear instruction was given to my mind. a clear instruction about something to write. two major points and paragraphs were laid into my brain's memory card. and this is not the first time it happened. two other separate early morning thoughts were also poured to me the past two years, in a dream, too. and in all of these, i would decline to rise up and capture them in writing as i would plead with God to just let me recall them later in the morning when i wake up. just when my eyes and mind are home from drifting in the nowhere. just when i would be sober.

but as usual, they never do come back. these thoughts never come again. what is left are but small hints of them but never even a peek to its entirety. and again, i would regret not obeying, not taking time to give birth to those thoughts, being unwilling to sacrifice for the sake of those messages... those little revelations which are never mine... not at all! as they come mainly for different people and communities. for others. they are words never intended for myself.

as usual, i feel bad again, today. because i did not obey, for the third time. just when am i gonna serve the gift?

may the great, merciful and compassionate Giver of all gifts have mercy to a poor soul like me! may the Giver be patient with me. will i ever have another chance?

for the third time, i plead that they would come back. but they never did. or is it not yet? for i am never a writer. simply, in the making... a lousy one in the making.

and i missed it again!

('KAIROS Refers to a period of crisis and opportunity, the best timeto do something, the moment when circumstances are most suitable, the psychologically "ripe" moment for action.' ~from ISACC)

panaginip na naman

totoo... sa pangalawang pagkakataon sa taong ito at nakaraan, ako'y nanaginip kaninang madaling araw ng tungkol sa rumaragasang tubig, isang baha na katakut-takot... isang malaki at mapagpinsalang baha. maraming tao ang tinangay, maitim at malalim ang tubig, at ako'y naroon sa kalagitnaan ng lahat ng ito. nasa kalagitnaan habang abala sa mga dapat kong gawin gaya ng paghahanda sa isang pagtuturo o training...

gaya nang naunang panaginip, nakita ko ding madaming tao ang binawian ng buhay, mga bahay na nasira at natabunan ng tubig at mga sasakyang inanod sa kung saan ang hantungan ng mahabang rumaragasang tubig.

ano kaya ito? sa buhay ko?

spaces

breather...
vacancy...
preparing to receive again
availability of heart and soul

like the cascading waterfalls
sometimes in droves
sometimes in smaller drops
but never ending, simply yielding

provisions
sometimes withheld
sometimes it pours
yet, never-ending assurance

spaces are beautiful
they take your heart to its deeper seat
they take your soul to a higher plunge
of trusting and living in faith

yielding
surrender
life
no other way

(isang pag-iisip na nalikha matapos panoorin ang isang false waterfalls sa lugar na pinagdausan ng aming panalangin at retreat sa quezon city. marahil ay kathang dala ng palaisipang 'bakit kami'y pinagkaitan ng biyaya sa ngayon?' o 'bakit hindi pinagkakaloob ang lahat ng kagustuhan ng tao?' marahil ay kathang dala ng kasagutan sa mga dalangin sa panahong yaon. marahil ay kathang bilin ng Ispirito ng Dios, matapos ang dalawang araw na pakikipagniig at pakikinig.)

dreams

i have heard of many dreamers before... many books wrote about them - like two josephs the dreamer and many more... movies are made for and about them like that one casted by brendan fraser and also one called the dreamweaver and many more...

i also heard of my paternal grandmother's dreams and those of my own mama and papa's dreams. many of them were fulfilled... they happened to people they know and do not know. they happened in different time and places.

i also have my moments of rich dreams. some are good and beautiful while some are not. some were already fulfilled and some remained clear memories in my mind and heart.

these few months ago have been rich dreaming time for me. and for the first time, i want to capture them. it may mean losing their sacredness, as they come out of the sacred recesses of my heart and mind, yet, i want to attempt capturing them with words and the power of articulation.

it's been a few weks already that i have been dreaming of couples - a couple whom i know so well and one who are popular movie stars - who are having hard time in their marital relationship. i have found myself listening intently to their troubles and giving some clear counsels and processing towards forgiveness and reconciliation. and those attempts were never successful.

i wonder why?

casting lots

a psalmist or a poet of the ancient times once said,
'the LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.'

therefore, i casted my lots and all to HIm alone.

we don't have salary today, as usual... it will be a delayed one again... never known when and how... and it's never uncommon.

i remain a volunteer worker who receives whatever it is worth receiving for my day to day sustenance. but most of all, it is because i have never been left hungry and needy. i can never call myself poor, in that sense.

let me recount just this week my fullness of heart and 'tummy'... in fact, i am still gaining weight despite of this seeming 'lack' or 'wanting'.
wednesday, ate phoebe sent baked mac and a bunch of pears, ate sha bought a bunch of oranges
thursday morning, ate bing came and brought pandesal, noodles and peanut butter
thursday lunch was a feast for evangel's goodbye party, it was such a huge feast!
friday, twins josh and john's fifth birthday, so we had spaghetti and a rich chocolate cake
today, welcome feasting for mutya who just came back from her east asia tour and vacation
today's dinner was a celebration feast again for ate libay's accomplishment (beating the deadline for her papers, hehehe)... a free dinner at the max's and window shopping at gateway.

whew! so am i really poor in this sense? heheehee... i may not have money but will never lack in anything. how can that be? i may never understand it so as to be able to articulate and answer that question.

but learning from one man of long time ago,
'not that i speak from want, for i have learned to be content in whatever circumstances i am. i know how to get along with humble means, and i also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance i have learned the secret of bing filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. i can do all things through HIM who strengthens me.'

You have made my lot secure... surely, i have a delightful inheritance...

Confrontation. Life and Death.

A dear friend’s wife, so young and alive, is given two days to live by the doctors today. Yes, two days, by the doctors. And they have two very young little children, ages below ten.

How can one remain calm and unaffected by such a news? How can one believer react?

Sadness, mourning? Questioning, puzzled? Angry, accuse God of injustice? Shocked, paralyzed? Where is the Lord? Where is comfort? Where is understanding? They are elusive.

The doctors declared, but not the Lord. Two days, in the eyes of man, but never in the eyes of God. There is life that never perishes and ends in the Lord’s presence. There is life even in this earth that God can extend. There is such a thing called miracle and healing. In the final analysis, it is the verdict of the Lord that will matter!!!

We need faith, faith unwavering, at such a time as this. Faith in the ways of the Lord which are higher than ours. His ways that are Sovereign and beyond our limited and small capacity to understand.

Why would life and death issues affect us so much? Why is it such a life-changing inevitable? Why, oh why? My notion is that we can never escape from the final analysis of life. Such final analysis of life that will be accounted in the end. Such final analysis of life that will be taken back by the Creator and Giver. Such final analysis that there is death!

Life is short. Life is temporary. It will surely come to pass. Life will end. And for some, it is sooner than expected. For many, it is simply soon.

But life is also eternal. Life is also not temporary. There is another life after death. In fact, death is only an entry point to that life which never ends. That life which promises no more suffering and grief and all that is temporary.

However, there is also a death that is eternal. Such death that promises not an entry to the never-ending life. Such death that declares finality. The final death without restoration.

Two deaths. Two lives. How can that be?

This is the story.

It is simply loosing any form of connection with and to the source of that never-ending life!

(i wrote this right after hearing the news. i dedicate this article to her... to liza, a dear friend and sister... a great mother and wife! thank you for inspiring me with your life! she went to be with our Father forever, more than two weeks after the doctors made that declaration.)

The Cross and Our Discipleship

Monday, October 03, 2005

"When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die."
~Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

"Becoming and being a christian involves a change so radical that no imagery can do justice but death and resurrection of Christ, namely, dying to the old life of self-indulgence and self-will, and rising to a new life of self-control and self-giving, in which the world has been crucified to us and we have been crucified to the world.

We glory in the cross for our discipleship.

...We human beings are born boasters. There seems to be something in our inherited constitution which inclines us to boasting. We seem to need to glory in something in order to inflate our ego. In consequence, we boast of our education, our possessions, our success, our reputation, even our piety. We find it hard to learn C. H. Spurgeon's dictum, 'Be not proud of race, face, place or grace.'

But in the last resort there is only one alternative before us. Either we glory in ourselves and in our own achievements, or we glory in Christ and his achievement on the cross. There is no possibility of compromise. A hallmark of authentic evangelical Christianity is that we glory only in the cross."
~John Stott, The Evangelical Truth


Yes, we glory only in the cross... that cross which meant glory in humiliation, life in death, victory in life! There is no other way... the path of the cross to life, the path of humility to glory!

Only Jesus can afford death because he is life!

Can this be simply a matter of perspective?

We finally had our first training day at DBD yesterday. It was a very challenging time for us in the team facing these mixed group of young students and their teachers (aka youth workers)... It was also exhausting being there with them the whole day - for the morning worship time and the whole afternoon training.

But beyond those seeming 'whinings' ;-)... I was encouraged by the Word which never ceases to pierce my heart and mind to keep going and being like Christ. We talked about the costly discipleship of Jesus which is the only one he talked about during his short stint here, thousands of years ago. Why would it need to be costly? Why would it has to be that way and no other? Why and why?

Why can't it be not the way of victory and mass evangelization in three years? Why would it has to be with and through the 12 men whom he chose? Yes, those 12 men who are very different from each other. Those 12 ordinary men like you and me?

Costly... homelessness, rejection, suffering. Servanthood... the bucket and the towel, the lowliest form of service.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me..." (Mark 8:34)

Cross, death to self, obedience without delay, commitment for life, no turning back when the going gets tough...

Love. Fruitfulness. Obedience.
Such love for the unloveable and the enemies. Such fruitfulness for the glory of the Father. Such obedience at all costs.

Syempre, di pwedeng mag-end ang training without the bucket and the towel. Salamat sa mga feet na nagpahugas! It was such one life-changing chapter of this journey called life, with them.

I am deeply honored and forever be grateful. I do not regret choosing this path called istafwork ;-).