Poema número veinte

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos».

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.*

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.




Poem Number 20

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, 'The night is starryand the stars are blue and shiver in the distance. 'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my armsmy soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me sufferand these the last verses that I write for her.

(this is an excerpt from my friend's collection of Pablo Neruda's great poems... thanks to you both... i keep wondering why i find them not just really interesting but more importantly a reality. hmmm... there's just one reason for that. i guess, i'm just really a real human being. welcome to the real world of being and becoming! indeed, the necessity of pain and suffering... we become more human because of them.)

i survived it

whew, finally! got all those hard paper works done. it was a real feeling of a little short of birth pangs. it was like a birthing experience again.

why could this be so hard again? writing is really one birthing event for me. some thoughts are first conceived then inevitably birthed at the right time...

oh well, so more birthing the next few months as more papers and reports are due. well, oh well. do i have a choice?

to bum around and procrastinate?

moping...

need to do a lot of things… work, work and work. but why is it that I just wanna pass time around. moping here in the net. creative juices pouring our of my head. unstoppable.

hayyy,
birthing of another kind?
another dimension?
something called tolerance
agonizing tolerance to
laziness...
procrastination...
and the likes?

Hah…
need to get out of this
crippling cycle!

'lest i forget'

that i am dust...

the tagline says it all
'where do i come from
a tiny speck in the universe
why am i here
why do i do what i do'

hungry
for what
devoid of anything
and everything
stripped of power
all is gone

crippled
numb
paralyzed

taken, given away
broken, now lost
torn apart

a singer says it all
'... because he knows
we are made of dust
we humans are like grass
or wild flowers
that quickly bloom
but a scorching wind blows
and they quickly wither
to be forever forgotten.'

to be forever forgotten!!!

greg's six words...

too many mistakes, too many failures.
countless pains both here and there.
weaknesses, oh, weaknesses.
abounding.

six words...

only if they could capture.
but, oh, so they can.

from pain to truth.
from passion to wisdom.

from a rich experience, a rich encounter. within and without the self.

greg's six words...

so clear, resounding!
truth, oh, the truth!
and it will set you free.

so loud, so resounding!
wisdom, oh, wisdom!
from failures and mistakes.

dreaded past
hated self
but there simply is
no other way

no other way
than this...

he's just not that into you!

(thanks greg, but it sure is liberating. it sure is the way... the only way to freedom. accepting the painful truth. right at your face. thanks oprah for the courage.)

casting crown's

Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours

Who am I
That the eyes that seek my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again

Who am I
That the voice that calm the sea
Would call on through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

*
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear
Coz I am Yours


random thoughts

... been so greatly affected by this song since day one.
... been thinking about who God really is if even my identity is anchored and depended on his being.
... so unthinkable, so unbelievable!
... yet, so comforting, so refreshing!

learning...

to live with contentment-discontentment.

contentment in discontentment
discontentment in contentment

the former to things that are really not well, at least not yet or will never will.
the latter to things of substandard and superficiality. even to inferiority and being lax.

The Great Iconoclast by Betsy Childs

06/21/05

The word "iconoclast" originally meant someone who destroys religious images. Iconoclasm reached its height in the eighth and ninth centuries when religious icons were highly controversial; the practice also became commonplace following the Reformation. In recent centuries, however, the word "iconoclast" has come to connote one who destroys ideas. Any person who displays revolutionary or countercultural thinking is liable to be labeled an iconoclast.

In July of 1960, C. S. Lewis watched his wife die of cancer. A year later, Lewis, under a pseudonym, published an account of his struggles with grief. The book A Grief Observed (which quickly came to be recognized as Lewis's own work) is a raw and heart-wrenching monologue. In it, Lewis expresses the feeling that God is ruthlessly destroying any of Lewis's preconceived notions of who God should be. Lewis recognizes that his own idea of God had become a "graven image," one that he himself fashioned and expected to remain motionless. He writes, "Images, I must suppose, have their use or they would not have been so popular. (It makes little difference whether they are pictures or statues outside the mind or imaginative constructions within it.) To me, however, their danger is more obvious. Images of the Holy easily become holy images-sacrosanct. My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of his presence? The incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all previous ideas of the Messiah in ruins. And most are 'offended' by the iconoclasm; and blessed are those who are not."(1)

It is inescapable that we will latch onto images of God; in fact, that is the way our finite minds work when attempting to grasp the infinite. Our view of God is often heavily influenced by our parents and role models. It may also be influenced by the advantages or disadvantages we have had, as well as every other significant life experience.

One's idea of God is always changing. God himself does not change but remains the same yesterday, today, and forever. In contrast, the believer's idea of God always falls short of the truth and must be continually toppled with the aim that it be rebuilt and come closer to the truth. As Lewis discovered, pain is frequently the instrument God uses to remind us that our "idea of God is not a divine idea."

Has your pain shattered your view of God? It requires desperate faith, such as the faith Lewis demonstrated, to believe that God has not departed and left us in pain, but is instead refashioning our impressions of who He is. God does not shatter our ideas of Him gleefully as a spoiled child ruining another's sand castle. Instead, he lovingly wrenches from us the false gods we cling to so that we can have the real thing. Scottish theologian Samuel Rutherford was known to remark that when cast into the cellars of affliction, he was reminded that this is where the great King keeps his wine.(2) The redeeming purpose of suffering in life is that it may send us into the arms of our maker.

Do you want to know God as He is, or as you would like Him to be? I have a hard time honestly answering that question. I find myself clinging to the idea that God will make me always comfortable because He doesn't want me to feel pain. I might as well think that water was created to fill swimming pools, and has nothing to do with quenching my thirst or washing me clean.

(1) A Grief Observed (Faber and Faber, 1964). (2) Quoted by John Piper in Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1996), 222.

surprised by joy!

cs lewis said this when he attempted to describe his encounter with (or was it, he was encountered by?) his Creator... yes, that's all we can afford to do, but attempt! words are insufficient to fully grasp, more so comprehend such encounter and encounters. words are handicap in many ways.

yet, attempt we can, so attempt we must. attempt is all i can do now. yes, surprised by joy! such unspeakable joy.

moment one was when noel, one fingerprint in my hat as a teacher/coach, called to discuss once again some dissonance in his current journey as a law student. good thing, he missed his usual call time of 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. yeah, just the wee hours of the morning. when the nocturnal republic is up and about.

anywayz, ayun... mga bandang alas otso, nagsumbong na naman siya dahil nababagabag daw siya sa kaguluhan sa ating bansa! wow!!! and that his disturbance prompts him to take action, to participate in the on-going cry of the people for change... for a better country... siyempre, he started with asking my readings of the time and how am i responding as a filipino christian. wow, hanep! siyempre, ambush yun. pero okay lang as i was more than glad to also share my own struggles and disturbances.

what struck me most was when he started sharing about his convictions and thoughts. he is one ideal youth that this land needs. he is one with dreams, good dreams for this land and its people. in fact, he wanna start it with their kasambahay, with his parents, then his classmates. he listened to the sentiments of their kasambahay against the abuses of the gov't towards the economically challenged like her. his heart is broken for them. so he prodded his parents to join him at edsa tres. then this time, he is asking his classmates to join him in a secret org to fights for a change in the land through writing... just like the la liga or the la solidaridad!!! dream on, noel...

we had a little argument at the end as i attempted to also allow him to see both sides well, as he has the tendency, too, (just like anyone of us) to be one-sided, too much leaning on one part alone of the two-faced-coin-reality. too much passion and conviction can be blinding at times, as we normally experience. his contention at times would look like pgma is too dirty while the rest of the celebrated united oppositions are too clean and truly untouchables.

but the reality is that we really have a crisis in leadership. this is where we started to grasp the bottomline. we lack real men and women with integrity and strong political resolve as leaders. we lack real statesmen who has a track record of good public service. we are in a crisis of leaders like ninoy aquino, romulo and recto of the early philippine republic, and maybe the likes of magsaysay and rizal. had it not been for this, we would have had a better resolve at the moment. no political system is too inefficient and corrupt to a leader of strong political resolve and integrity!

moment two was when i aciidentally bumped into dennis' well trodden path. he is another fingerprint in my teaching/coaching hat way back in the faraway kingdom of hills and rivers. my saint anthony years were truly colorful imprints in my heart. he's reviewing still at UP in between the bar exams this whole month. (tama ba yun?) at me kasama pa siyang friend, si marivic.

oh well, mukhang matanda na nga akong talaga, hehehe... yet, again, it's worth it. masaya, no, more than that ang feeling ko. reconnecting with him is nostalgic. grabe. we seem unable to simply let go of our past. there is always a part of us that fails and rejects to let go. lingering with the past is such an incurable disease of the heart and mind. a romance with the past is one bad habit. or was it an amnesia of the soul?

we talked about life in the saint anthony republic and the nearby kingdoms. we talked about our own lives now, decisions done, decisions to be made, hopes and dreams, mistakes committed, relationships, family. we also spend some limited leisure time on people and events. and all in all, we were inspired! we're both looking forward to meeting again with the rest of the gang here in peyups for one.

i was inspired. i was surprised. i was overjoyed.

i am excited. i am recharged. i am emotionally satisfied. it is well with my soul... amen!

ramrag na naman...

ramrag na naman basang pero puno pa ko sa ibang pagmate... magkaibang kaogmahan, excitement saka paglaom.

i had a very great day, generally. so many unexpected things happen but they are mostly pleasant ones. the budget hearing that i somehow dreaded, went on smoothly. i was grateful for the confidence and wisdom that i felt while doing the presentation. the deliberation went a bit longer than expected. many things were pointed out by the national director and they truly came across the team's attentive ears. i am grateful, too, for the support of my teammates though not everyone was around due to valid reasons. so, our budget was approved without much revision or chopping off, aka cost cutting schemes. i somehow affirm myself for that new ability to plan realistically while keeping our dreams in and for the team, intact. wow, at least, all our efforts (esp. to mention my sleepless nights) paid off. it was worth it! really... it becomes a reason for celebration!!! yey!!!

but, of course, the journey is not over yet, not even halfway. it is just beginning. the implementation process starts esp. in terms of raising those funds... we have a long way to go. but, again, thanks to the rdd for the support in all areas of fundraising and sustainable resource development and management. hmmm... speaking of self-sufficiency.

yet, i believe that somewhere in between, the Lord still calls us to a full dependence on Him in all things. i still would like to commit as i declare that in Him de we put our trust again and again, no matter what! may His favor rest upon us! again and again...

kaya ngowan na ramrag, gusto ko pa nanggad silngan ana bagong aldow, ana bagong paglaom... lalong nagraraom na pagtubod sa Diyos lamang!

m instincts

nangalas raw ako saigo ngowan na aldow na adi. ta sa unang pagkakataon agko ko weird-ong namatean ngowan. habang nag-aagi ko sa molave pauli sa anislag, bigla na lang na namatean kong parang gusto kong maging usad na kag-igin. ana baoy ko kan ngowan ay m instinct para sa pagiging usad na babayeng kag-igin. siyempre gusto kong purbaran na ipaliwanag ana mga bagay bagay sa usipon ko poon ko igin pa ko. usipon na itinuturo kana mga kag-igin namo.

amo, kag-igin namo.

so balik kita kanako. hmmm... gusto kong ispelingon adtong pagmate ko. parang pagmate iya na gusto kong magpadakulo na sa igin, maging puno ana buhay para sa kanya, iya na kakabit kana sadiri kong buhay, iya na magiging responsibilidad ko, na migtuturo kanako kana importansya, gayon saka kararuman kana buhay... iya na mig rason kanako, mig-unga sa mga unga sa buhay, adtong mga arararom na unga, usad gayod na matalinong igin.

hayyy... iya na mabubutan ko saigo, iya na migtuturo kanako kana pagkaboot na dalisay, pagkaboot na dayupot. usad na igin na mig-gakos na dayupot, mig-puno kana buhay ko sa ibang paagi, usad na paaging uda kapaliwanagan. usad na paagi na miteryoso pero maugma, matiwasay, malang gayon!

siyempre, napaunga lugod ako sa kin isay ana magiging kag-igin niyang lalaki. sana magkabayadan na kami o para mas matuod, sana mabayad nako niya... pero baka nabayad nako niya kadto pa. kaya siguro iba ana dapat na pamibi. sana magdesisyon naya. tawan lugod iya kana Diyos sa kusog-buot, sarig sa pagtubod saka determinasyon sa buhay. ako man sa usad na banda, namimibing magka-agko katiwasayan saka katuninungan ana buhay, puno sa pagtubod lalo na sa oras na dapat naman akong mag-gibo sa desisyon.

hmmm... dipisil palan magpaliwanag kana sadiri sa sadiring usipon. dipisil palan ana pag-isplikar kana puso mo sa arong kading paagi. doble ana sakit ta ana puso saka usipon ana mga iniisip pang sabay. pero di bale, salamat sa Diyos ta nakaraos man nanggad ako ngowan dawa isi kong nagpupuon pa lang ana usad na parte kana agi-agi ko sa buhay. usad na parte na nagpupuon pa sana, pero matuod saka reyalidad.

para sa usad pang reyalidad - nagluto palan ako ngowan sa inubasan na katnga. mejo arayo paya kumpara sa standard ni mama pero medyo okay naman adto ta pwede ng kaunon saka masiram man kuno. nasubrahan ko lang sa libas. di bale pwede pa man adtong maresolbiran. sige... padagos kita kana mga agi-agi ta sa buhay na adi na puno sa paglaom saka sa pagtubod.

salamat sa Diyos! Diyos mabalos...

all i need

been blabbing this song for quite some time now. though not sure who did this. but heard that it's side A, or was it a revival?

all i need is just a little more time to be sure what i feel
is it all in my mind 'coz it seems so hard to believe
that you're all i need

(tama kaya ang lyrics ko?) whatever...

mind over matter or matter over mind? feelings. thoughts. are all but one and the same. coming from the same set of brain and energy. yet, so complex, intricate, multifaceted. so precious.

believing. faith. making sure. the easiest resolve in this world. yet, so hard to do, to live out, to hang on to. not without endurance. not without perseverance. not without a depth in spirit. for it to endure until the end.

time. needed. demanded. but never can be owned. still loaned to man. still a gift.

you. you are all that i need. interdependence. community. communication. declaration.

you. you are all that i need. coming together. building something. loving & living. precious. mysterious.

a declaration beyond self. going out of the comfort zone. being selfless. boundless. connecting.

love. you. how can it ever be?

the necessity of them all

friends. surprising you with their presence in many forms and shapes. friends both near and far, old and new, young and not so young... and the list can go on. friendster messages, sms, blogs, emails, at your doorstep.

sabbath. rest unexpected due to God-mandated sickness. rest unexpected due to unstructured life and work. this life is a real gift!

granted unspoken prayers. as well as those that aren't yet. too many of them, both... making life so mysteriously wonderful and unexplainably great.

life's just worth all the wait and learnings... all the pains and laughters... all the expected and not expected. those revealed and concealed.

people. ideas. feelings. love.

joys. pains. the necessity of them all.

relinquishing...

all power. all control. all influence.

giving up. letting go.

how is it to relinquish all forms and sense of self and being? and instead surrender, retreat or withdraw? and instead be quiet and tamed?

this is part of my current state of being. if the state of the nation can be called chaotic, mine is way beyond that. my friends call it an early mid-life syndrome or crisis, maybe, for a lack of better words.

i feel a deep surge of loosing all shapes and colors of my very strong controlling habits. what for? why, oh, why, indeed?

one thing is certain. mine is a story in the making. i am simply an unfinished song. life is a constant drifting from the east to the west, from the north to the south. there is and there will always be a transformation. or is it completion? or perfection?

i am not and will never be in control no matter how hard i keep my rein. this truth remains.

must i, then, muster the attitude of relinquishing? up to what extent can i and i am willing to give up? until when should i let go?

i know not. and i may never know in this lifetime or even in eternity.

but it does not matter. as long as, i know that which really matters. after all, that is what matters most!

mahina at basag

what's wrong with being small? what's wrong with number two? or three?

yet, who wants to be no less than number one? or worse, the last one in the race? or the last place in the exams? everyone is urged to be number one or nothing. yeah, the number one network coverage, the number one senator, the number one student or survivor (as in starstruck!), the number one wife, and the list can go on... and on...

dog eats dog. survival of the fittest. matira ang matibay. convergence. networking. enlarging the territories.

driven society. success-oriented. no-less-than-the-best syndrome.

but what if you found out that there is such a 'call' to be weak and broken? or was it the 'call'? to begin with, the Master's path has been this and no other. all throughout His moment of incarnation, His was a life with utter display of dependence, weakness, brokenness, and worse, death! His was never an unending quest for independence, fame, power, and wealth.

only so that... strength and life can fully be revealed. there seem to be no other way for strength and life than this. there is just no other option. paradox! mystery!

is there a place for a theology of weakness in our society today? how about in the church?

most reveals

flat on my face. this refers to one sacred secret in life that i've been discovering over and over again. this seems to be of such great value lest the Creator will not allow me to keep going back to such familiar pattern. yet, the journey each time is always unfamiliar and difficult.

simplicity. the utmost surrender.
surrender. the well trodden path of the humble King.
suffering. the chosen path of obedience by the servant King.
humiliation. the only path to glory.
death. the only way to life.

Him, who is life, can afford to die. He can choose death because He is life, no more, no less.

yet, the call towards the same path, towards the same obedience, towards the same life is the same. to imitate Him and no other.

flat on my face. that will always be a recurring motiff. such never-ending motiff of dying day after day. so that i can see that from glory to glory, He is changing me.

for only in this brokenness can the light be most revealed.

state of being

broken. extreme brokenness. this captures well my current state of being.

restless. sleepless. are just but a few of its symptoms.

it's almost wake up time for many who dared tread the path well traveled at night. as they laid their heads and consciousness still and at rest. unlike them, i'm still up, up and about. restless. sleepless. nothing to awaken, only to sober. nothing to dust in my eye, only to stop. to stop the flowing river of unwanted tears.

why do tears linger? why do mourning stay? why are nights too long?

two theories. two possibilities. there is hope.

can be still a part of that enduring state of painful letting go. or can be a growing sense of a new life, an anticipation. a birthing after a death.

just like a seed which can never give birth to many more seeds if it does not die. a death that must happen before it can even live on its own. a death that is hard, harsh and cruel.

deadly pains.

broken earthen jar

'it is a broken earthen jar which most reveals the jewel within.' ~isobel kuhn