Relentless Anguish

Reflection on John 20: 11-18

“Mary pleaded, ‘If only I could see his body. If only I could take it with me. Please, have mercy!’” Such was her longing. So deep, so intense, so sincere. Even just to see the body of the one she loves. The one who calls her by name. The one whom she thought to be the king reigning. The one whom she hoped to be Messiah, the one who will free them from the deep and hard shackles of political and economic oppression of the government.

My own journey has been a series of longing to see the Lord, to take Him with me wherever I go and whatever I do. It has been a cycle of extreme yearning for the salvation of my country as well. Where is the Lord who will deliver me and my country from the many forms of oppression and greed of the powers that be? But many times, like Mary, I have been looking for Him in wrong places, with my own eyes, in my own efforts. No wonder, my soul was in relentless anguish.

Good intentions, deep longings, sincere yearnings were not enough.

When Mary finally paid attention, the voice was clear. Someone was there with her. Someone was asking what her anguish was all about. Someone was calling her by name. Someone familiar, the one she loves. The one she longs to touch. He is there, watching her, waiting to be noticed.

If only the stones can speak. If only the stones have eyes to see and ears to hear. Of only the stones can tell of such a glorious moment, such a glorious absence of the body on the tomb, such a glorious coming home and reunion of the lover and the beloved. Mary finally saw the Lord, flesh and blood, body and soul… so alive… calling her by name. He was there, so close, all along.

Have you paid close attention to be able to see Him? Or are you still looking for Him in the wrong places? The tomb was empty. He isn’t there anymore. He has risen! He is with us! He knows full well our relentless anguish. In fact, He meets us there.

Are we in deep relentless anguish for the absence of God? Is our love able to lead us to such a relentless anguish for our land and people?

Now boldly declaring among the disciples, Mary asserted, “I have seen the Lord.” And I responded, “I have seen the Lord, too. In my anguish, I found Him. In fact, He saw me first. And I know that He will always see me first.”